Hamas officials were reportedly scrambling this week to update their payroll department after their newly installed commander lasted only 11 days on the job, creating what accountants are calling “unexpected savings in the executive terror budget.”

The national media was reportedly plunged into a full-scale constitutional fainting spell this week after President Trump acknowledged that Christianity had something to do with America’s founding, prompting anchors to clutch their pearls, historians to hide the footnotes, and one panelist to ask whether the Mayflower Compact could be safely renamed “The Early Colonial Community Guidelines.”

In a stunning victory for clocks, calendars, and attorneys who bill by the quarter-hour, a jury sided with OpenAI after finding that Elon Musk’s lawsuit was not filed on time.

In a bold new chapter of modern economics, Democrats have reportedly sued Walgreens after the company closed a store that allegedly lost $1 million last year from theft, arguing that businesses should not be allowed to “abandon communities” merely because customers have begun treating the shampoo aisle like a tax-free harvest festival.

In a bold new achievement for government arithmetic, British taxpayers have reportedly discovered that under certain benefit rules, having more than one wife may now qualify a household for extra support — proving once again that when common sense leaves the room, a civil servant is usually standing there with a calculator and a pamphlet.

Passengers at Tokyo’s Haneda Airport were left stunned this week after a new fleet of AI-powered baggage robots reportedly “went rogue” during a trial program designed to automate luggage handling.

Everything was going smoothly when a new drone delivery service began dropping pizzas across parts of Texas in under two minutes — until local skeet shooters realized the pizzas were arriving at approximately “perfect shotgun altitude.”

In a shocking sign that humanity has officially run out of normal hobbies, cosmetic clinics across Asia are now reporting a massive surge in customers requesting “Elf Ear Enhancement Surgery” — because apparently regular ears are no longer competitive in today’s economy.

In a bold move that has left drivers squinting harder than they do during a snowstorm, officials in Wisconsin have unveiled a new speed limit: 17.3 miles per hour.

Authorities say a California man took his love for building to a whole new level—constructing what police are calling a “fully operational black-market Lego syndicate,” one box at a time.

Alarm is spreading across Vermont’s political establishment after a 14-year-old secured a spot on the gubernatorial ballot—raising fears that basic competence may soon become the new standard.

The prediction market Polymarket unveiled its latest viral wager this week: Will the CEO of McDonald’s get sick after eating the company’s new “Arch Burger”?

In what officials called a “major efficiency reform,” Iran’s leadership announced Tuesday that it had dramatically streamlined the process of selecting the nation’s next Supreme Leader by appointing one who is already dead.

In a calm and reassuring press conference Wednesday, an Iranian naval general rejected Western reports that much of Iran’s navy had been destroyed, insisting the fleet is simply engaged in “extensive underwater operations.”

In what hospital officials are calling “the most polite emergency admission of the fiscal quarter,” a determined seabird reportedly walked up to the sliding doors of a coastal emergency room and waited patiently for medical assistance after being injured by a fishing hook.

In a development that briefly united conspiracy theorists and cable news producers in a single joyful moment, Barack Obama appeared to suggest that aliens are real — before calmly clarifying that he has seen absolutely no evidence of aliens whatsoever.

While northerners mark winter by shoveling snow, scraping windshields, and pretending they enjoy it, Floridians rely on a simpler, more aerodynamic signal: reptiles raining from the sky.

The Pro Football Hall of Fame announced Tuesday that legendary coach Bill Belichick will not be inducted in his first year of eligibility, citing what insiders described as an “awkward surplus of Super Bowl rings achieved under circumstances that require a very long PowerPoint.”