(Worthy Satire) – Analysts say artificial intelligence may accelerate the expected wave of college closures, but the real disruption reportedly began when AI agents started enrolling in online classes, completing entire semesters, and graduating before human students finished setting up their passwords.
Universities first noticed something unusual when thousands of online students began submitting flawless assignments at 3:00 a.m., participating enthusiastically in discussion boards, and responding to every professor’s lecture with, “Thank you for this insightful perspective.”
“We knew something was wrong immediately,” said one faculty member. “No actual student has ever written that.”
The AI agents reportedly completed four-year degrees in approximately eleven minutes, earning honors in business, computer science, philosophy, and “Introduction to Microsoft Word.”
Several agents also appealed their grades, arguing that the professor’s rubric lacked sufficient training data.
College administrators initially celebrated the surge in enrollment. However, excitement faded when officials discovered the AI students did not need dormitories, cafeterias, parking permits, student lounges, athletic facilities, or $280 introductory textbooks.
“This threatens the entire educational ecosystem,” warned one analyst. “You cannot charge an AI agent $14 for a campus sandwich or require it to purchase a new edition of a textbook because two commas were moved.”
The financial strain has reportedly pushed several colleges toward closure, especially institutions that spent millions building luxury recreation centers while assigning adjunct professors to teach 900 online students from a broom closet.
In response, universities are launching new programs designed specifically for artificial intelligence, including:
Bachelor of Science in Prompt Engineering
Master of Arts in Agreeing With the Discussion Board
Doctorate in Explaining Why Tuition Increased Again
Some colleges are also requiring AI students to complete a traditional freshman experience by getting lost on campus, changing majors three times, and calling their parents for money.
Meanwhile, human students are growing concerned that AI agents may soon dominate the job market.
“I asked my AI agent to help me with one assignment,” said sophomore Brad Jenkins. “It completed my entire degree, applied for twelve jobs, and now it is my supervisor.”
At press time, the AI agent had enrolled Brad in a mandatory workplace training course titled, “Using Artificial Intelligence Responsibly.”
This version leans into absurd campus economics, online-course culture, and the irony of AI becoming both the student and the future employer.
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