Panic erupted in the Democratic Party this week after Senator John Fetterman committed what insiders are calling “the gravest sin since someone forgot their pronouns.”

A new study has revealed that people who drink beer are far more likely to attract mosquitoes, though some theologians insist this isn’t biology at work—it’s theology.

Emergency nurse Misty Combs didn’t expect her Sunday afternoon to involve chest compressions on a blackout raccoon. But when the woodland creature collapsed after bingeing on fermented peaches, Combs says she heard “a still small voice” reminding her of her Christian duty.

The U.S. quietly admitted this week that nearly a million fewer jobs were created over the past year than previously claimed, sparking a nationwide panic — not over the jobs, but over the fact that President Donald Trump was right.

New York City mayoral hopeful Zohran Mamdani made waves this week after announcing his plan to eliminate the NYPD’s gang database. His proposal has been greeted with enthusiasm–though perhaps not from the intended demographic.

In a sweeping new policy shift, federal employees are now permitted to pray and even share their faith openly while on the job.

A woman has officially set the world record for running barefoot across a field of Lego bricks — an achievement experts say is “the closest humanity has come to simulating medieval torture in a suburban living room.”

The San Antonio Public Library was thrilled to see an overdue book finally returned after 82 years—until they realized the fine now outweighed the national lottery jackpot. Inside the cover was a note from the borrower’s family: “Grandma won’t be able to pay for it anymore.”

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) is making headlines after reports revealed her net worth has ballooned to nearly $30 million—despite her insistence back in February 2025 that she had “barely thousands, let alone millions.”

In a rare Labor Day weekend twist, Politico was forced to confirm Monday that former President Donald Trump is, in fact, not dead.

In a rare glimpse behind the curtains of power, a hot mic picked up Russian President Vladimir Putin and China’s President Xi Jinping musing about organ transplants and the prospect of living to 150—or longer.

Once again, the streets ran red with the pulp of overripe tomatoes as Spaniards gathered for their yearly demonstration of culinary disdain, better known as La Tomatina.

Local spiders have apparently upgraded their hunting strategy from “web and wait” to “Vegas Strip light show.” According to entomologists, several species have been observed tying up fireflies and using them like flashing neon “Open 24 Hours” signs.

In a shocking upset to decades of baseball tradition, Topps has officially issued a baseball card not for Aaron Judge, not for Shohei Ohtani, but for an actual squirrel.

In a shocking move sure to leave millions of Americans staring at their silent phones in despair, the Federal Communications Commission has officially yanked the cord on hundreds of suspected robocall originators.