Disney announced today that its seventh theme park will be constructed in the heart of Abu Dhabi, merging the charm of Mickey Mouse with the heat of the Arabian Desert.

In a shocking revelation that sounds like a plot twist from a low-budget apocalypse movie, a former Bush administration official claims that the U.S. has secretly constructed a $21 trillion subterranean metropolis exclusively for the rich and powerful to hunker down in during a “near-extinction event,” the New York Post reported.

In a desperate attempt to reclaim his garden from the smug grasp of Chunk the Groundhog, a farmer enlisted the help of the world-renowned animal whisperer, Dr. Doolittle. However, the plan backfired spectacularly when Chunk, now a viral sensation, insisted he was the “voice of a generation” and refused to vacate the premises until his memoir, Living Large: A Groundhog’s Guide to Fame and Free Produce, hit the bestseller list.

In a tense yet oddly cordial meeting at the White House, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney politely informed U.S. President Donald Trump that Canada is, in fact, not for sale. The statement came after Trump reportedly floated the idea of purchasing the Great White North as a way to resolve ongoing tariff disputes.

In a move that has left both political pundits and sports analysts scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump announced that Washington D.C. will host the 2027 NFL Draft. The announcement, made from the Oval Office, was accompanied by a flurry of superlatives and a promise that this draft would be “the greatest in history.”