(Worthy Satire) – In a shocking development that rattled both Capitol Hill and the NASDAQ, Rep. Nancy Pelosi announced her retirement from Congress — sparking panic among day traders who’ve long relied on her uncanny ability to “predict” market swings before they happen.
“It’s like losing our North Star,” said one retail investor. “I used to just check what Nancy bought, and then I’d buy it. Now what — do my own research?”
Financial analysts say Pelosi’s departure could trigger what they’re calling a “Transparency Recession,” as companies brace for a world where congressional spouses no longer move billions with perfectly timed trades.
Pelosi, however, reassured fans she won’t stop “making bold, informed investments.” Asked how she’d keep her edge without congressional briefings, she smiled and said, “Don’t worry — I still have the group chat.”
Her husband Paul reportedly celebrated the news by quietly purchasing several “retirement-themed” stocks minutes before the announcement hit the wire.
Meanwhile, Congress has already begun debating whether to rename her office “The Oracle of the Dow.” The motion is expected to pass immediately after the next round of suspiciously well-timed trades.
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