Senators repeatedly lifted the needle, cleaned it, and asked a different question—only to hear the same track again.
(Worthy Satire) – A Senate hearing descended into confusion Wednesday after lawmakers discovered that Dr. Anthony Fauci’s testimony was apparently being played from a scratched vinyl record.
The trouble began shortly after Fauci sat down, adjusted his microphone, and invoked his Fifth Amendment rights.
A senator asked another question.
Fauci invoked the Fifth again.
A third question produced the same response, accompanied—according to several people near the witness table—by a faint background noise:
Fifth… Fifth… Fifth… Fifth…
“At first, we assumed this was a legal strategy,” said one committee aide. “Then somebody noticed the witness table was rotating at 33⅓ revolutions per minute.”
Technicians rushed forward and discovered a large vinyl record bearing Fauci’s photograph and the title Now That’s What I Call Constitutional Counsel, Volume 5.
The record contained only one selection.
Side A
“On the Advice of Counsel.”
Side B
The same selection, but remastered.
Senators tried moving the needle ahead.
“Dr. Fauci, did your office—”
Fifth… Fifth… Fifth…
They moved it backward.
“Dr. Fauci, can you explain—”
Fifth… Fifth… Fifth…
One lawmaker gently blew dust from the record. Another wiped it with his necktie. A third suggested placing a penny on top of Fauci’s attorney to prevent further skipping.
Nothing worked.
By the fiftieth repetition, the court stenographer had stopped typing entire sentences and simply pressed the number five over and over. Her official transcript now resembles a very long arithmetic problem written by someone who knows only one number.
Around invocation number seventy-five, senators began testing the extent of the scratch.
“Doctor, what year is it?”
Fifth.
“Is the microphone working?”
Fifth.
“Would you prefer chicken or fish for lunch?”
Fauci consulted his lawyer.
Fifth.
Cafeteria staff ultimately served him the constitutional soup, which contains no ingredients that can be used against anyone in a court of law.
Record collectors watching from home praised Fauci’s consistency.
“You rarely find an album with absolutely no variation between tracks,” said one enthusiast. “Even the Ramones occasionally changed chords.”
Legal experts reminded viewers that invoking the Fifth Amendment is a constitutional right and not an admission of guilt. Audio experts agreed, while noting that repeating anything more than 100 times generally indicates either a damaged record or a children’s song during a long family road trip.
The hearing finally concluded when the committee chairman unplugged the turntable.
For several seconds, the chamber was completely silent.
Then a senator asked whether Fauci had anything he wished to add.
The record slowly began turning again.
Fifth… Fifth… Fifth…
Fauci’s debut album is expected to become a collector’s item. A deluxe edition will reportedly include a lyric sheet, a cleaning cloth, and 107 bonus tracks—all identical.
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