(Worthy Satire) – Hamas officials were reportedly scrambling this week to update their payroll department after their newly installed commander lasted only 11 days on the job, creating what accountants are calling “unexpected savings in the executive terror budget.”
According to organizational insiders, the commander had barely finished setting up his email password, locating the break room, and asking whether “Commander Casual Friday” was a thing before Israel abruptly ended his probationary period.
“This is a major blow to Hamas morale,” one payroll officer said while staring at an untouched direct-deposit form. “He hadn’t even completed the mandatory HR training module titled So You’ve Been Promoted Because Everyone Above You Is Gone.”
Israeli officials declined to comment on the payroll implications, though one defense analyst noted the operation had “streamlined Hamas leadership costs, reduced onboarding expenses, and eliminated the need for a first paycheck.”
Hamas leadership was said to be considering a new employment package for future commanders, including same-day vesting, accelerated lunch breaks, and a welcome basket delivered immediately upon appointment “because waiting two weeks is clearly too optimistic.”
Meanwhile, regional experts say the terror group may soon face a recruitment crisis, as applicants grow increasingly concerned about the organization’s “high turnover, limited retirement plan, and office chairs that keep becoming vacant.”
One anonymous observer summed up the situation: “At this rate, Hamas commanders may start asking to be paid in advance, preferably during the interview.”
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