(Worthy Satire) – Vice President JD Vance announced that a federal task force discovered 186,000 deceased Americans were still receiving food stamp benefits, though officials admitted the program failed in one key area: resurrection.
“After reviewing the evidence,” one investigator stated, “we can confirm the nutritional value was not strong enough to bring anyone back from the dead.”
The discovery reportedly stunned federal agencies, many of which assumed the recipients were simply “extremely quiet shoppers.”
Auditors said most of the purchases involved canned soup, frozen dinners, and instant mashed potatoes — leading experts to conclude that while the meals may preserve shelf life, they do not restore actual life.
“At first we thought we had stumbled into a supernatural event,” one staff member admitted. “Then we saw somebody buying generic fish sticks and diet cola, and the resurrection theory collapsed immediately.”
Congress is now considering new anti-fraud measures requiring all recipients to verify they are “living, breathing, and capable of standing without embalming assistance.”
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