Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood, now 95 years young and fueled entirely by black coffee and raw grit, has made it clear he’s not riding off into the sunset anytime soon. “Retire? I don’t even know how to spell it,” Eastwood growled at reporters, before squinting so hard the microphone turned to dust.

In an unexpected twist, the Democratic Party’s $20 million initiative to “redefine American manhood” has backfired spectacularly, leading to a national run on protein powder, muscle cars, and “Joe Rogan Experience” subscriptions.

With plumes of smoke rising over the Eiffel Tower and mobs flipping Citroëns like crepes, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte clinked champagne glasses from a secure rooftop terrace, celebrating what they described as “the vibrant spirit of French democracy.”

In a dazzling display of athletic nationalism and completely coincidental arson, major media outlets have confirmed that the recent torching of Paris was not a riot — but rather a “fiery but mostly peaceful celebration” of Paris Saint-Germain’s Champions League victory.

In a bold move to appease both health advocates and nostalgic diabetics, candy-maker Mars Inc. has announced it has removed the controversial additive titanium dioxide from Skittles—after being publicly called out by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other wellness warriors.

In a rare moment of self-awareness—or possibly a caffeine crash—former FBI Director James Comey lashed out at “podcasters” Dan Bongino and Kash Patel for “reviewing” the infamous bag of cocaine found at the Biden White House, accusing them of conspiracy-mongering, defamation, and interrupting his deep-state power nap.

In a bold new initiative that’s being described as “cost-cutting with flair,” The Washington Post has launched its latest campaign: Are You In or Out? — a voluntary buyout program that doubles as a reality TV show pitch and a cry for help.

Tensions boiled over outside the Obamas’ posh D.C. residence Tuesday as two female Secret Service agents reportedly engaged in what witnesses described as a “highly trained hair-pulling showdown.”

In a development that has left both ethicists and stand-up comedians speechless, a Harvard behavioral scientist who specialized in the study of honesty has been fired for allegedly fabricating data in multiple studies.

In a groundbreaking (and moon-cracking) development, China and Russia have announced a historic agreement to build the first power plant on the Moon, sparking fears that the United States may soon need to import electricity from outer space.

In a bold move that sent Ivy League administrators into a collective pearl-clutch, President Donald Trump announced today he would be revoking $3 billion in federal grants from Harvard University, reallocating the funds to “real schools where people actually learn to do something.”

In a stunning announcement that left economists confused and Dogecoin investors nostalgic, Elon Musk confirmed that the long-rumored “X Money” has entered beta testing ahead of a full launch in 2025. The cryptocurrency, which some insiders describe as “Dogecoin’s spiritually confused cousin,” is reportedly backed by nothing except Musk’s tweets and a GIF of a Shiba Inu wearing sunglasses.