In a tearful press conference attended by exactly three journalists still using Netscape Navigator, AOL announced it will finally pull the plug on its dial-up internet service—officially ending the era of screeching modems and mysterious static that sounded like R2-D2 choking on a kazoo.

In what witnesses are calling “the most awkward game of Whac-A-Mole ever,” California firefighters were summoned this weekend to free a confused adult who somehow wedged herself inside a Chuck E. Cheese arcade game.

Music festivalgoers expecting a day of cheesy carnival thrills instead got an unplanned brain flush Saturday, when a thrill ride froze mid-loop and left them dangling upside down for more than 20 minutes.

In what experts are calling “the smelliest public health crisis since Woodstock,” the FDA has officially announced a nationwide deodorant recall, citing health risks that, frankly, pale in comparison to the risks of letting some people go without it.

Climate activist and part-time maritime drama enthusiast Greta Thunberg announced today that she will embark on a second Gaza protest flotilla, declaring her main motivation was to “finally feel joy again.”Climate activist and part-time maritime drama enthusiast Greta Thunberg announced today that she will embark on a second Gaza protest flotilla, declaring her main motivation was to “finally feel joy again.”

Silicon Valley is in shock this week after AI—once the humble apprentice of Google—announced it’s breaking up with its mentor, calling web search results “adorable but hopelessly inaccurate.”

Chaos erupted in Central Park Tuesday after a beloved NYC carriage horse, “Sir Neighs-a-Lot,” dropped dead mid-shift without giving a two-week notice, sparking outrage among tourists, activists, and the Department of Historical Cosplay.

In a bold leap into the modern age — and possibly straight into a Talmudic paradox — Silicon Synagogue Inc. has unveiled “Rabbi AI”, the world’s first virtual rabbi powered entirely by artificial intelligence, Talmudic footnotes, and Wi-Fi.

In a bold act of bureaucratic optimism, Iran has announced the creation of a brand-new Defense Council following its devastating war with Israel–despite the unfortunate trend that most of its senior military officials are either vaporized, missing, or now appearing on Israeli drone watchlists labeled “Next.”

In a bold new move that has animal lovers howling and predators licking their chops, the Odense Zoo in Denmark has launched a groundbreaking initiative: “Pets for Predators”—an eco-conscious, circle-of-life inspired program that asks the public to donate their unwanted furry companions to feed the zoo’s carnivores.

In what can only be described as another episode of “Florida Man: The Professional Edition,” Deputy Nathan Richardson of the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office made headlines—and several memes—after removing a gator from a backyard pool and gently buckling the cold-blooded trespasser into the back seat of his patrol car. The gator, who had been enjoying a chlorinated soak and possibly sipping on an invisible poolside mojito, was rudely interrupted by the long arm of the law.

In a stunning medical breakthrough—and legal conundrum—a baby born today from a 30-year-old frozen embryo is reportedly already old enough to rent a car, apply for a mortgage, and run for Congress.

Authorities are investigating the discovery of a large, glowing beehive just outside a nuclear facility, sparking concern from scientists and uncontainable enthusiasm from Marvel fans and conspiracy theorists alike.

In a shocking twist that economists on CNN are calling “deeply problematic,” President Donald Trump’s economic revival has defied every dire prediction made by experts who once claimed that his return to the White House would instantly tank the U.S. economy, cause the dollar to collapse, and possibly summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

In what media insiders are calling a “catastrophic nosedive into irrelevance,” CNN — affectionately known in some corners of the internet as the Clinton News Network — has achieved the nearly impossible: fewer primetime viewers than a rerun of a 2003 infomercial for Ginsu knives.

Tourists are leaving a renowned sacred temple with fewer belongings and a deeper understanding of the phrase “survival of the cheekiest,” as local monkeys have been accused of orchestrating an increasingly sophisticated phone-snatching scam.

In a bold move that scientists fear could rip the snack-time continuum, Reese’s and Oreo have announced their latest abomination of confectionery ambition: the Reese’s Oreo Cup. Or is it the Oreo Reese’s Cookie? Even the marketing team isn’t sure anymore.

In its latest move to blur the line between convenience and surveillance, Amazon has acquired Bee, the AI wearable that hears absolutely everything — and now it wants to talk. Constantly.

In a shocking development that surprised absolutely no one with a moving truck and a functioning calculator, America’s blue strongholds are watching hundreds of billions in income vanish faster than a California high-speed rail deadline. Taxpayers have begun what experts now call the “Great U-Haul Migration” — a red state rendezvous driven by the irresistible allure of lower taxes, functional governance, and a fighting chance at affording a second bathroom. Economists call it a crisis. Politicians call it a tragedy. Red states call it Tuesday.

In a stunning display of unity and determination, the Democratic Party has shattered expectations—by breaking through rock bottom. According to a new Wall Street Journal poll, Democrats’ approval rating has hit a 35-year low, sparking celebrations among party insiders who believe they may have finally perfected the art of political free-fall.