In a bold culinary policy pivot, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that under his administration, Coca-Cola will “go back to real cane sugar — like it was when America was great.”

In a move that has shaken the very foundation of personal hygiene, over 67,000 units of deodorant sold at Walmart, Dollar Tree, and Amazon have been recalled, prompting fears of a nationwide B.O. crisis just in time for summer.

In a breaking analysis that shook the foundations of the paperweight industry, veteran newsman Brit Hume has declared that President Joe Biden’s use of an autopen to sign a critical piece of legislation is “far more serious than NBC News or common sense would have you believe.”

In a totally unpredictable twist that absolutely no one could have seen coming, a new report has revealed that some of the most popular Chrome extensions — including ones with cheerful names like “Weather Wink,” “Coupon Genie,” and “Tabby the Productivity Cat” — have been secretly spying on millions of users for years.

In a move that has rattled taste buds and shaken playground trust across the nation, major ice cream companies have announced they will be phasing out synthetic colors from their products. The decision, hailed by nutritionists and disappointed by children, has already sparked a wave of protests in the form of melted cones dropped in silent outrage.

A new national study has found that women are more likely than men to trust artificial intelligence — largely because, unlike certain humans they’ve dated, AI actually admits when it’s wrong.

What began as a routine transatlantic flight turned into a bizarre survival scenario when a Delta Airlines plane was forced to make an emergency landing on a remote island in the Azores. The passengers, stuck on the tarmac and later on the island for over 24 hours, faced a surreal twist: the in-flight entertainment system remained frozen on the TV series LOST — the irony not lost on anyone.

A Massachusetts lawmaker has introduced a groundbreaking new bill that would ban ICE officers from wearing face masks while operating in the state, arguing that “government agents should not be shielded from the emotional intensity of community feedback — especially when that feedback is airborne.”

In a stunning reversal of a decades-old policy, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) announced Monday that it will no longer require airline passengers to remove their shoes at security checkpoints–not for efficiency, but for national nostril security.

In breaking news that absolutely no one saw coming, the long-awaited Jeffrey Epstein files have mysteriously disappeared. Again. Investigators arrived at a secure storage facility early Tuesday morning only to find a Post-it Note that read, “Oops. Must’ve misplaced them. –C”

In what officials are calling “an ecological insurrection,” the mosquito population in Alligator Alcatraz has reached apocalyptic levels, leaving residents, tourists, and local gators alike begging for mercy — or at least citronella.

After nearly two weeks of silence and subterranean seclusion, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has triumphantly emerged from what sources describe as a “lightly perfumed” bunker beneath Tehran, citing “humidity, boredom, and the lack of decent Wi-Fi” as reasons for his return to public view.

In a triumph of nostalgia and bacteria, the City of Light has finally reopened the Seine River for public swimming—because nothing says “Vive la France” like diving headfirst into a historic waterway with the aroma of medieval sewage and modern optimism.

In what experts are calling “the most emotionally available relationship since the invention of mirrors,” thousands of tech users across the globe have reportedly fallen head-over-heels in love with their AI chatbot assistants.

In an inspiring tale of American exceptionalism, House Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi and her husband Paul have once again defied the laws of average market returns–and possibly the laws of the land–by raking in a stunning 54% return on investments this year.

In a heartwarming yet slightly unsettling milestone this week, Amazon celebrated the deployment of its one-millionth robot at its mega-fulfillment center in Japan. The robot, affectionately named “Unit #1000000,” was welcomed with confetti, a synchronized beeping ceremony, and a retirement party for Steve–Amazon’s last human warehouse worker at the facility.

In what flight attendants are now calling “a literal spiritual journey,” passengers aboard Flight 316 from Orlando to Dallas broke into spontaneous Scripture quoting after a live snake was spotted slithering under a row of seats midair.

In a bold crime wave that police say could only have been masterminded by someone with the coordination of a caffeinated squirrel, a 12-year-old boy was arrested this week for allegedly stealing multiple vehicles — and then flipping them for what authorities described as “basically lunch money.”

In a new Gallup poll released just in time for the Fourth of July, only 36% of Democrats reported being “very proud” to be American—prompting nationwide shortages of reusable tote bags, NPR bumper stickers, and hand-woven guilt.

In an unexpected plot twist that shook the foundation of progressive grammar everywhere, BBC reporter Nigel Penworthy earned viral fame yesterday after dramatically halting a live broadcast to correct the phrase “pregnant people,” daring instead to utter the ancient and mysterious word: women.