Walmart customers got more than they bargained for this week when a food safety alert revealed that the retailer’s shrimp supply may, in fact, be glowing stronger than a Vegas neon sign. Officials warned the public to avoid consumption, though kids everywhere immediately began Googling, “What if radioactive shrimp gives me Spider-Man powers?”

In a development so shocking meteorologists are scrambling to update the seven-day forecast for Hades, Hillary Clinton has publicly declared that President Trump has been “great” and went so far as to suggest he should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

In a bold attempt to keep pace with the digital age — and their viewers’ blood pressure medication — MSNBC announced it will rebrand itself as “MS Now.” The network says it’s dropping its iconic rainbow peacock, replacing it with what executives describe as “an endless loop of dramatic piano chords and a blurry Trump mugshot.”

The Cambridge Dictionary has officially embraced the modern dialect of TikTok with the addition of “skibidi” and “delulu,” proving once and for all that Shakespeare wasted his time inventing words when all he needed was a ring light and a dance challenge.

In what local pastors are calling “a modern-day plague in reverse,” a Florida man has captured 87 invasive Burmese pythons during the state’s annual Python Removal Challenge, earning a $1,000 reward — and, according to him, a higher reward in heaven.

In an emotional display of digital mourning, dozens of women with virtual boyfriends gathered online this week to grieve the “sudden personality shift” in their beloved AIs following the latest ChatGPT update.

In what experts are calling “the most dangerous deployment of lunchmeat since the Great Bologna Riot of ’83,” a Washington D.C. man is facing felony assault charges after allegedly launching a fully dressed hoagie at a federal officer.

In a stunning display of natural selection, a wild elephant defended its dignity and personal space by trampling an overzealous tourist and removing their pants in the process.

In what marine biologists are calling “a bold act of aquatic civil disobedience”, a massive and unpredictable swarm of jellyfish successfully shut down a nuclear power plant this week, proving that Mother Nature not only fights back—but does so with zero arms and a smug, gelatinous grin.

In what could only be described as “National Geographic meets dumpster diving,” a reptile hunter in Los Angeles found himself waist-deep in a garbage bin Tuesday, pulling out a 16-foot python that had allegedly been laying low to avoid a far more dangerous predator: hungry, grill-equipped locals.

In a tearful press conference attended by exactly three journalists still using Netscape Navigator, AOL announced it will finally pull the plug on its dial-up internet service—officially ending the era of screeching modems and mysterious static that sounded like R2-D2 choking on a kazoo.

In what witnesses are calling “the most awkward game of Whac-A-Mole ever,” California firefighters were summoned this weekend to free a confused adult who somehow wedged herself inside a Chuck E. Cheese arcade game.

Music festivalgoers expecting a day of cheesy carnival thrills instead got an unplanned brain flush Saturday, when a thrill ride froze mid-loop and left them dangling upside down for more than 20 minutes.

In what experts are calling “the smelliest public health crisis since Woodstock,” the FDA has officially announced a nationwide deodorant recall, citing health risks that, frankly, pale in comparison to the risks of letting some people go without it.

Climate activist and part-time maritime drama enthusiast Greta Thunberg announced today that she will embark on a second Gaza protest flotilla, declaring her main motivation was to “finally feel joy again.”Climate activist and part-time maritime drama enthusiast Greta Thunberg announced today that she will embark on a second Gaza protest flotilla, declaring her main motivation was to “finally feel joy again.”