Bethesda, MD (Worthy Satire) – Federal agents were stunned Friday morning when they raided the Maryland home of John Bolton, former national security adviser under Donald Trump, and discovered what officials are calling “the Costco of Doomsday Prep.”
According to sources, the FBI found enough guns, ammunition, and canned beans in Bolton’s basement to arm a small Eastern European nation. Investigators say Bolton appeared to be “fully geared up” for what he described in handwritten notes as “The Glorious World War III Kickoff Party.”
Neighbors reported unusual activity leading up to the raid. One neighbor told reporters:
“Every week, I’d see UPS drop off giant crates labeled ‘For Tactical Use Only.’ I thought he was starting a hunting club. Turns out, he was prepping for Armageddon.”
The FBI confirmed Bolton had installed a command bunker beneath his wine cellar, complete with a globe showing only countries he was ready to bomb. When asked what tipped them off, one agent admitted:
“We noticed Amazon flagged his account after he bulk-ordered 7,000 pounds of beef jerky and an industrial flamethrower.”
While being escorted out of his home, Bolton shouted at reporters, “You’ll thank me when the first nuke lands! I’ll be running the resistance out of this cul-de-sac!”
The Justice Department is still cataloguing his stash, but early reports suggest Bolton was not, in his words, “arming for World War III” — he was simply “trying to be responsibly over-prepared for the worst.”
When asked why he needed 14 AR-15s, two surface-to-air missile launchers, and enough tactical gear to outfit a Marvel villain, Bolton told investigators:
“Look, some people buy insurance. I just prefer to personally guarantee the end of civilization goes according to plan.”
One FBI agent quipped that Bolton wasn’t planning for WW3 at all — he was planning to host it.
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