(Worthy Satire) – In a stunning act of journalistic caution, NBC News reportedly issued a trigger warning before quoting the phrase “biological male” in coverage of a transgender sports ruling, warning viewers that the upcoming words may contain traces of reality.
“We want to be sensitive to all audiences,” an NBC spokesperson allegedly explained, “especially those who may experience discomfort when a sentence wanders too close to plain meaning.”
According to insiders, the newsroom briefly considered replacing the phrase “biological male” with “person of historically testosterone-adjacent athletic background,” but producers feared the segment would run past midnight and require a glossary, a flowchart, and three emotional support commentators.
The network’s editorial team also debated whether to say “male,” “assigned male at birth,” “previously filed under male,” or simply pause awkwardly while displaying a soft-focus graphic of a question mark wearing sneakers.
One producer reportedly suggested they avoid the issue altogether by saying, “An athlete of unspecified chromosome-adjacent lived experience competed in a category traditionally associated with women,” but the legal team warned that even viewers with advanced degrees might not survive the sentence.
NBC’s new truth-handling policy now requires anchors to wrap basic biological terms in protective padding before broadcast. Words such as “male,” “female,” “mother,” “father,” and “common sense” must now be preceded by a soothing flute melody and the phrase, “The following content may contain information understood by civilizations for thousands of years.”
Critics say the network is no longer reporting the news but performing a delicate interpretive dance around it.
NBC denied the accusation, insisting its mission remains unchanged: to inform the public, unless the public might be startled by the information.
At press time, the network was preparing a follow-up segment titled, “Court Rules Water Is Wet — NBC Warns Viewers Some May Find Moisture Problematic.”
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