(Worthy Satire) – In a bold new effort to save the planet one perspiring homeowner at a time, British officials have reportedly ordered residents to remove air conditioning units from their homes during a 40°C heatwave, which officials helpfully clarified is 104°F for Americans who were wondering why everyone in Britain suddenly looked like they had been slow-roasted in a teapot.
The new Net Zero guidance explains that while 104°F may feel “unpleasant,” “dangerous,” or “like living inside a shepherd’s pie,” it is a small price to pay for the greater good of making sure no one enjoys indoor air below the temperature of a church potluck casserole tray.
Government inspectors, now known as the Department of Approved Discomfort, were seen going door to door removing air conditioners, fans, frozen peas, and any Bible study handouts being used as makeshift hand fans.
“We understand some residents are concerned,” said one official while standing comfortably beside a government-issued portable cooling unit. “But we believe the British people are resilient. After all, this is the nation that survived rationing, fog, and room-temperature sandwiches.”
Under the new rules, citizens may still cool their homes using approved green methods, including opening a window, thinking cold thoughts, standing next to a picture of Antarctica, or placing one government-approved ice cube under the left elbow for no more than six minutes.
Officials also reminded the public that sweating is not a crisis, but rather “the body’s renewable energy initiative.”
American observers were reportedly stunned by the 40°C figure until someone converted it to Fahrenheit, at which point several immediately said, “Oh no, that’s not weather. That’s judgment.”
Meanwhile, local churches have opened their doors for prayer, fellowship, and the sharing of one oscillating fan rotating in brotherly love across six rows.
At press time, officials were considering a follow-up policy requiring Britons to remove refrigerators during winter because “technically, the outside is already cold.”
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