(Worthy Satire) – Following a stunning socialist sweep in New York’s Democratic primaries, city officials confirmed Wednesday that the Free Market Spirit of New York was found sitting on a park bench near Wall Street, clutching a cold coffee and whispering, “I remember when delis had owners.”
The victory, powered by candidates backed by Mayor Zohran Mamdani and Democratic Socialists of America, was hailed by supporters as “a bold new chapter,” while small business owners described it as “that part of the movie where the music gets ominous.”
Within minutes of the results, bureaucrats reportedly began drafting the city’s first Department of Fair Bagel Distribution, ensuring every resident receives one government-approved bagel per week, “provided they fill out Form B-17 and do not request extra cream cheese.”
Economists warned that the city’s free market spirit had suffered “severe emotional damage” after hearing campaign promises involving rent freezes, expanded public benefits, and the mysterious belief that money grows somewhere near Albany.
Asked whether New York could still thrive under the new socialist momentum, one longtime shop owner shrugged and said, “Sure. As long as customers keep buying things, workers keep working, landlords stop charging rent, suppliers deliver for free, taxes pay for everything, and gravity takes a personal day.”
At press time, the Statue of Liberty was seen updating her résumé.
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