(Worthy Satire) – Executives at CNN reportedly declared a “breakthrough in audience intimacy” after a new poll suggested only 2% of Americans rely on it for news.
The network immediately framed the number as a strategic victory, explaining that while 98% of the country is getting information elsewhere, the remaining 2% are “deeply committed, highly specialized, and possibly unable to locate the remote.”
“We don’t see this as low trust,” said one fictional media consultant. “We see it as boutique broadcasting. Some networks chase the masses. This one ministers to the remnant—mostly in airports, dentist offices, and waiting rooms where the channel was chosen in 2007 and nobody found the ladder to change it.”
Sources say the network is now considering several new slogans, including:
“News So Exclusive, Almost Nobody Sees It.”
“Now Serving America’s Statistical Margin of Error.”
“The Network For People Whose Remote Batteries Died.”
Industry observers say the channel may soon pivot to ultra-personalized programming, with anchors addressing viewers by first name, asking about their grandchildren, and reminding them to hydrate during panel discussions.
At press time, the network was reportedly encouraged after learning it still ranked ahead of “reading cereal boxes for geopolitical insight” and “asking the gas station hot dog roller what happened overnight.”
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