WASHINGTON, D.C.(Worthy Satire) – The U.S. government has abruptly canceled a $590 million contract with Moderna for a bird flu vaccine, after scientists made a shocking discovery: Americans still don’t enjoy sharp objects being jabbed into their arms by strangers wearing latex gloves.
The decision followed a nationwide focus group where participants consistently ranked “being pecked by an angry goose” slightly more preferable than “getting another vaccine.”
“We were stunned,” said a Health Department official. “We thought maybe the fourth or fifth poke would be the charm. Turns out, people just really don’t like needles. Or birds. Or anything involving both.”
Moderna had already begun manufacturing the vaccine, which will now be repurposed into decorative syringes for Halloween and a limited-edition ‘Angry Finch’ dartboard game.
When asked why the deal was scrapped so late in the process, a spokesperson for the administration explained, “We realized we were offering a needle for a flu most people didn’t know existed, delivered by a company many don’t trust, to prevent a disease they can’t pronounce. That’s a tough sell.”
In unrelated news, the CDC is exploring “emotionally supportive mist sprays” as a less invasive alternative for the needle-phobic population. The mist may or may not contain actual medicine. But at least it doesn’t poke.
Worthy Satire is meant purely for comedic purposes—after all, as Proverbs reminds us, “Laughter is good medicine.” But behind every satire is a real story, video, or event. For the unspun version of the headline, be sure to check out the original source. [ Source of the Satire (Read More…) ]
