(Worthy Satire) – In a triumph of nostalgia and bacteria, the City of Light has finally reopened the Seine River for public swimming—because nothing says “Vive la France” like diving headfirst into a historic waterway with the aroma of medieval sewage and modern optimism.
Officials heralded the move as a victory for urban renewal, public health, and people who enjoy a side of E. coli with their backstroke.
“Swimming in the Seine will do what vaccines can’t,” declared Dr. Pierre DuGrime, an enthusiastic epidemiologist with a questionable immune system. “The sludge contains centuries of microbial diversity. Every lap through the murk is like CrossFit for your antibodies.”
Swimmers lined up in droves, armed with goggles, snorkels, and industrial-strength probiotics. One participant, 27-year-old Chloe Lavigne, emerged from the brown-tinged water glowing—literally. “I think I swallowed a 19th-century oyster,” she said proudly. “It winked at me.”
Environmental officials assured the public that the river’s bacteria levels are technically within tolerable limits—for armadillos. “As long as no one drinks the water, touches it, or enters with open wounds, it’s completely safe,” said one health inspector while holding his breath.
The Paris mayor’s office is planning a full marketing campaign for what they call “organic immunity immersion.” Next year, they hope to introduce synchronized swimming competitions, live musical algae, and riverbed mud facials with complementary tetanus boosters.
“Why wait for the apocalypse,” joked one Parisian, “when you can swim in it now?”
Bienvenue à Paris—where the water’s historic, the health risks are character-building, and the fish glow in the dark.
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