(Worthy Satire) – In a totally unpredictable twist that absolutely no one could have seen coming, a new report has revealed that some of the most popular Chrome extensions — including ones with cheerful names like “Weather Wink,” “Coupon Genie,” and “Tabby the Productivity Cat” — have been secretly spying on millions of users for years.
“Yes, we were shocked too,” said Google spokesperson Chad Optics while nervously rotating in his Aeron chair. “Apparently, people really didn’t know that installing 37 random extensions might be a privacy risk. Who could’ve guessed?”
Among the data collected were users’ full browsing history, geolocation, online purchases, social media activity, private messages, blood type, and preferred brand of ranch dressing. The companies involved have apologized, noting in their defense that “everyone else was doing it.”
“I just wanted discounts on pizza,” said 28-year-old Ethan Delray, who had unknowingly installed a coupon plugin that sold his inbox contents to a Belarusian marketing firm. “Now I’m being targeted with ads for tactical underwear and funerals in countries I’ve never visited.”
In a statement, one of the developers, operating under the pseudonym “CodeYolo420,” claimed, “We never meant harm. We just wanted to optimize their user experience by selling every click they’ve ever made.”
The FBI is reportedly investigating, though one agent admitted, “We found half our department had the same extensions installed. Our own data’s probably somewhere in a pop-up ad for cryptocurrency funeral plans.”
At press time, thousands of users were mass-deleting extensions while shouting, “I trusted you, AdBlocker McBlockface!”
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