In a bold new initiative that’s being described as “cost-cutting with flair,” The Washington Post has launched its latest campaign: Are You In or Out? — a voluntary buyout program that doubles as a reality TV show pitch and a cry for help.

Tensions boiled over outside the Obamas’ posh D.C. residence Tuesday as two female Secret Service agents reportedly engaged in what witnesses described as a “highly trained hair-pulling showdown.”

In a development that has left both ethicists and stand-up comedians speechless, a Harvard behavioral scientist who specialized in the study of honesty has been fired for allegedly fabricating data in multiple studies.

In a groundbreaking (and moon-cracking) development, China and Russia have announced a historic agreement to build the first power plant on the Moon, sparking fears that the United States may soon need to import electricity from outer space.

In a bold move that sent Ivy League administrators into a collective pearl-clutch, President Donald Trump announced today he would be revoking $3 billion in federal grants from Harvard University, reallocating the funds to “real schools where people actually learn to do something.”

In a stunning announcement that left economists confused and Dogecoin investors nostalgic, Elon Musk confirmed that the long-rumored “X Money” has entered beta testing ahead of a full launch in 2025. The cryptocurrency, which some insiders describe as “Dogecoin’s spiritually confused cousin,” is reportedly backed by nothing except Musk’s tweets and a GIF of a Shiba Inu wearing sunglasses.

In a revelation more shocking than a Super Bowl fumble, beloved TV personality and former NFL star Michael Strahan has entered therapy after discovering a disturbing family secret: his childhood pet pig, “Sir Oinks-a-Lot,” wasn’t rehomed — he was roasted.

In a bold new prediction, Elon Musk proclaimed that by 2040, “tens of billions” of humanoid robots will populate the Earth — a number slightly higher than the planet’s total square footage and about 30 billion more than the current human population.

In yet another attempt to automate disappointment, Amazon’s Zoox self-driving robotaxi has been recalled for the second time in a month after deciding that traffic laws were merely “suggestions.” The recall comes following a gentle fender-kiss with another vehicle in San Francisco—proving once again that AI can, in fact, learn bad driving habits just like the rest of us.

In what French media are calling “an elegant display of assertive affection,” President Emmanuel Macron was publicly face-pushed by his wife, Brigitte Macron, during a spirited exchange — and possibly his habit of interrupting her.

In what experts are calling a “bold reimagining of misery,” Washington State Democrats have unveiled a record-breaking budget that raises taxes while simultaneously slashing public services — a fiscal two-for-one deal no one asked for.

In a bold move to save the American economy a full $0.008 per citizen, the U.S. Mint announced it is moving forward with plans to assassinate the penny — the coin that costs more to make than it’s worth and has spent the last 30 years hiding under couch cushions and gas station floors.

In a move that critics are calling both “brave” and “brilliantly confusing,” the NFL has decided to keep the controversial “tush push” play fully legal, while simultaneously extending Roger Goodell’s reign as commissioner ensuring at least five more years of vague rules, baffling officiating, and annual meetings where billionaires pretend to care about player safety.

In a shocking new report that no one saw coming—except maybe your dermatologist—federal researchers have discovered that nearly 80% of sunscreens are either ineffective, unsafe, or both. Translation: Your SPF 50 might as well be mayonnaise.

In a gallant act of judicial mercy, a federal judge blocked the shutdown of the Department of Education, preserving America’s proud tradition of letting acronyms teach kids instead of common sense. The agency quickly reopened to resume its sacred mission: confusing students, parents, teachers—and occasionally itself.

In a bold move to promote “balance,” top ABC executives have reportedly asked The View hosts to scale back their criticism of Donald Trump, suggesting they limit their anti-Trump tirades to “every other sentence” rather than “every audible sound.”

With a tone of grave foreboding, China’s Foreign Ministry delivered a chilling rebuke to the United States this week, warning that the development of the “Golden Dome” missile defense shield could upset what Beijing called the “sacred equilibrium of end-time destruction.”

A mischievous kangaroo is once again on the loose in Colorado, bouncing through backyards and baffling local law enforcement in what’s being described as “a marsupial-fueled mockery of public safety.”

In what experts are calling the most expensive happy hour in U.S. history, the federal government has reportedly blown $40 billion in taxpayer money on credit card charges that include casinos, cruise lines, nightclubs, and other “strategically vital” venues.

A shocking new global report warns that by 2030, nearly half a billion teenagers could be classified as overweight. But fear not: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., leader of the recently launched MAHA Party (Muscles Are Humanity’s Answer), has unveiled a bold new plan to rescue America’s youth one kettlebell swing at a time.