In a stunning display of perseverance — or perhaps just stubbornness—the Iranian regime announced today that it will continue its nuclear program at “full speed,” despite the minor inconvenience that every single nuclear installation in the country has been reduced to smoldering rubble.

In a shocking new study that no one asked for, researchers found that conservatives report higher levels of happiness than liberals across every measurable category — including work, family, relationships, pets, hobbies, weather, and even the taste of oatmeal.

In a bold new initiative that blurs the line between pest control and political strategy, scientists in Hawaii have begun dropping live mosquitoes from drones — a program reportedly co-sponsored by the state’s most seasoned blood-sucking politicians.

In a bold move to appeal to health-conscious parents while keeping children firmly addicted, General Mills announced today that it will phase out synthetic food dyes in its cereals—replacing them with generous doses of chocolate, fudge, and “natural-looking” candy chunks.

A foul, eye-watering stench filled the cabin of an Air France transatlantic flight on Monday, sending passengers into a frenzy and forcing the plane to make an emergency landing. The noxious odor—described by one traveler as “a mix of rotten eggs, burnt rubber, and broken dreams”—spread rapidly just hours into Flight AF460’s journey from Paris to São Paulo.

In an urgent and heartfelt plea, the Iranian Ministry of, uh, Remaining Scientists issued a job posting Tuesday seeking anyone—yes, literally anyone—with even the faintest whiff of engineering experience.

In a shocking twist for modern activism, protesters across the globe have embraced the infamous Samsung Galaxy Note 7 as the ultimate tool for peaceful yet fiery protests. Once banned from airplanes due to its tendency to overheat and explode, the long-forgotten smartphone is now being hailed as the Molotov Cocktail of the Digital Age.

In what experts are calling “the most inexplicable scientific phenomenon since TikTok trends,” scientists stationed in Antarctica have detected a series of mysterious radio waves emanating from deep beneath the continent’s ancient ice. The signals, described as “rhythmic, desperate, and suspiciously snack-related,” have left researchers scratching their frostbitten heads.

City officials held a heartfelt press conference Monday, pausing between counting stacks of overtime paychecks, to extend their deepest gratitude to the rioters, looters, and arsonists who have turned the City of Angels into the City of Time-and-a-Half.

In a dramatic announcement on state television, Iranian officials declared they had successfully launched a precision missile strike on what they identified as the “main headquarters of the Zionist Mossad”. The celebratory broadcast included grainy footage of what appeared to be a warehouse in the Negev Desert collapsing in a cloud of dust.

In a shocking break from centuries of papal neutrality in sports, newly elected Pope Leo XIV — known before his election as Father Tony “South Side” Lombardo — declared at his first Sunday address that enduring perpetual defeat builds “unshakable moral character.”

In a tragic tale of modern injustice, dozens of Los Angeles looters are reportedly grappling with “severe emotional distress” after realizing the iPhones they heroically liberated during a recent smash-and-grab spree are completely useless, thanks to Apple’s cruel anti-theft technology.

As towering infernos lit up the Los Angeles skyline and looters sprinted from designer boutiques with armfuls of “redistributed justice,” anchors at CNN and MSNBC assured viewers that what they were witnessing was, in fact, a heartwarming display of mostly peaceful activism.

In a devastating blow to the fast food industry, McDonald’s shares took a nosedive this week after analysts downgraded the company–citing the rise of weight-loss drugs that are apparently more appealing than a hot, greasy Big Mac and a side of existential regret.

In a shocking twist that has left the diabetic community fizzing with rage, the FDA has issued an urgent recall of Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar after discovering the beverage may, in fact, contain more sugar than a Texas state fair funnel cake.

In an unexpected side effect of Nintendo’s fastest-selling console launch in history, hospitals nationwide are reporting a sharp rise in go-kart injuries—mostly from players who thought drifting in real life worked just like it does in Mario Kart.

Environmental activist Greta Thunberg made headlines this week after claiming she was “kidnapped” by the Israeli Defense Forces during a protest near the Gaza border. However, eyewitnesses and leaked footage tell a different story — one that includes vegan meals, complimentary Wi-Fi, and bedtime stories in three languages.

In a bold move to secure affection and street loyalty, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has ordered a sweeping ban on dog walking across more than 20 Iranian cities, claiming citizens have shown “more unconditional love to their dogs than to their divinely appointed overlord.”

In a hoof-stomping display of bovine desperation, a cow at a Arkansas livestock auction made a dramatic, fruitless bid for freedom by scaling the bleachers and crashing through the roof–only to be reminded, mid-air, that he had already been disqualified from red heifer candidacy.