In a bold move to secure affection and street loyalty, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has ordered a sweeping ban on dog walking across more than 20 Iranian cities, claiming citizens have shown “more unconditional love to their dogs than to their divinely appointed overlord.”

In a hoof-stomping display of bovine desperation, a cow at a Arkansas livestock auction made a dramatic, fruitless bid for freedom by scaling the bleachers and crashing through the roof–only to be reminded, mid-air, that he had already been disqualified from red heifer candidacy.

In a bold leap forward for romance and regression, a new survey reveals that the majority of Gen Z is willing to marry artificial intelligence — provided the AI can text back consistently and never ghost them during Mercury retrograde.

In a fiery rollout of what city officials are calling a “radically simplified transit strategy,” at least 40 decommissioned buses were set ablaze at a Philly depot, sparking both literal and metaphorical smoke signals about the future of transportation.

In a stunning display of artificial intelligence developing common sense, Amazon’s new humanoid delivery robots have reportedly refused to operate in the state of Alabama, citing “a statistically unreasonable chance of being mistaken for a trespassing Terminator.”

In a breakthrough for parents who always dreamed of designing their child like a luxury car, a genetics startup has launched a revolutionary service that ranks embryos based on IQ, height, and facial symmetry — finally merging science with the moral clarity of a used car dealership.

In a surprise announcement that stunned the White House press corps, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declared she is officially leaving the Democratic Party, citing a “deep longing to find acceptance somewhere less judgmental… like maybe a Libertarian knitting circle.”

In a bold move to protect the digestive systems and moral fiber of Texans, state lawmakers are proposing that beloved American junk food icons — M&M’s, Skittles, and Doritos — carry warning labels reading “Not Recommended for Human Consumption.”

In a stunning upset, California has officially dethroned Alaska’s infamous “Bridge to Nowhere” with its own $7 billion federally funded masterpiece: the “Train to Absolutely Nowhere,” a high-speed rail project that has yet to lay a single inch of track.

In a miraculous turn of events, the U.S. Army announced this week that it has met its annual recruiting goal four months early — a feat military officials attribute to the recent removal of all things woke from its ranks.

In a move that would make Big Brother proud, several universities have slapped George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 with a trigger warning, warning students that the book contains “disturbing amounts of reality.”

In a tragic yet utterly confusing event for major news outlets, a man reportedly screaming “Palestine is free!” while attacking a Jewish-owned café in Boulder has left mainstream journalists scratching their heads in collective bewilderment as to what could have possibly motivated the assault.

Chaos erupted on I-40 Tuesday morning after a pet zebra made a bold escape from a private farm, galloping onto the highway and causing a complete standstill. Authorities say the black-and-white fugitive blended in “a little too well” with prison transport uniforms, leading to initial fears of a mass breakout from the nearby county jail.

In a bold move that nutritionists are calling “a cry for help,” Popeyes has launched a surprise new snack wrap aimed squarely at competing with McDonald’s version–but with a signature twist: it’s unapologetically worse for you.

In a daring act of climate justice (and mildly disturbing curiosity), Greenpeace activists broke into the Musée Grévin this week and made off with the wax figure of French President Emmanuel Macron.

In what economists are calling “the Great Shell Shock,” egg prices have dropped a staggering 61% since President Trump returned to office–but don’t expect to hear that on any mainstream network unless a chicken personally lays the eggs on Joy Reid’s desk.