Chaos erupted on I-40 Tuesday morning after a pet zebra made a bold escape from a private farm, galloping onto the highway and causing a complete standstill. Authorities say the black-and-white fugitive blended in “a little too well” with prison transport uniforms, leading to initial fears of a mass breakout from the nearby county jail.

In a bold move that nutritionists are calling “a cry for help,” Popeyes has launched a surprise new snack wrap aimed squarely at competing with McDonald’s version–but with a signature twist: it’s unapologetically worse for you.

In a daring act of climate justice (and mildly disturbing curiosity), Greenpeace activists broke into the Musée Grévin this week and made off with the wax figure of French President Emmanuel Macron.

In what economists are calling “the Great Shell Shock,” egg prices have dropped a staggering 61% since President Trump returned to office–but don’t expect to hear that on any mainstream network unless a chicken personally lays the eggs on Joy Reid’s desk.

A man is suing Disney after what he calls a “near-orbital aquatic incident” on one of the park’s waterslides, claiming he exceeded the ride’s weight limit and reached “exhilarating speeds that should require a pilot’s license.”

Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood, now 95 years young and fueled entirely by black coffee and raw grit, has made it clear he’s not riding off into the sunset anytime soon. “Retire? I don’t even know how to spell it,” Eastwood growled at reporters, before squinting so hard the microphone turned to dust.

In an unexpected twist, the Democratic Party’s $20 million initiative to “redefine American manhood” has backfired spectacularly, leading to a national run on protein powder, muscle cars, and “Joe Rogan Experience” subscriptions.

With plumes of smoke rising over the Eiffel Tower and mobs flipping Citroëns like crepes, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte clinked champagne glasses from a secure rooftop terrace, celebrating what they described as “the vibrant spirit of French democracy.”

In a dazzling display of athletic nationalism and completely coincidental arson, major media outlets have confirmed that the recent torching of Paris was not a riot — but rather a “fiery but mostly peaceful celebration” of Paris Saint-Germain’s Champions League victory.

In a bold move to appease both health advocates and nostalgic diabetics, candy-maker Mars Inc. has announced it has removed the controversial additive titanium dioxide from Skittles—after being publicly called out by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and other wellness warriors.

In a rare moment of self-awareness—or possibly a caffeine crash—former FBI Director James Comey lashed out at “podcasters” Dan Bongino and Kash Patel for “reviewing” the infamous bag of cocaine found at the Biden White House, accusing them of conspiracy-mongering, defamation, and interrupting his deep-state power nap.