In a scene that looked more like a summer block party than an international conflict, residents in Pakistan lounged in lawn chairs, sipping chai and munching on samosas, as missiles roared overhead toward India.

In a bold move to “Make America Healthy Again,” the Trump administration has announced three new food colors that promise to “inject a little patriotism” into every meal.

In a jaw-dropping interview on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Ben & Jerry’s co-founder Ben Cohen sent shockwaves through the conservative talk show’s audience by passionately declaring his love for Jesus Christ — and making a surprising claim about the dietary choices of the Messiah.

In what might be the most bewildering take on illegal immigration ever aired, an MSNBC guest proclaimed, “If I get murdered by an undocumented immigrant, please tell my children, ‘I did not care that they were undocumented.’”

In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the diaper industry, TikTok mommy influencer Chloe Sage claims she successfully potty-trained her 3-week-old baby, Sequoia-Rain. “It’s actually a LOT easier than you think,” Chloe told her 2.5 million followers while balancing a glass of kombucha on her head.

In a jaw-dropping segment on “The View,” the hosts dared to ask President Joe Biden about his rumored cognitive decline. Biden’s response was a wandering monologue about ice cream trucks, Corn Pop, and how he once challenged a Roomba to a push-up contest.

In a move that sounds like the plot of a rejected Bond film, a shadowy government agency has reportedly decided that Earth needs less sun — because, apparently, SPF 100 just isn’t cutting it.

In a bold move ahead of crucial trade negotiations, China has decided to shutter its entire economic data department and instead distribute fortune cookies with vague yet optimistic phrases like, “Great prosperity is just around the corner,” and “Your GDP may be lower than expected, but everything is about to change.”

In a fiery speech on the Senate floor, Sen. Josh Hawley demanded an immediate vote on the PELOSI Act, a proposed bill requiring lawmakers to disclose their stock trades in real-time while wearing sandwich boards that read, “Ask Me About My Portfolio.”

In a tear-filled farewell broadcasted exclusively on Microsoft Teams, the tech giant officially pulled the plug on Skype, the app that once ruled the world of awkward video calls and echo-laden conferences.

President Donald Trump announced plans to reopen the infamous Alcatraz prison with the specific purpose of housing “certain political figures,” beginning with his longtime nemesis, Hillary Clinton.

In a teary-eyed farewell that lasted approximately 45 minutes — or roughly the duration of a decent nap — President Joe Biden said that deciding to step down in 2024 was the toughest call of his career, pointing to the overwhelming success of his first term as the main reason for his departure.

After failing to secure the papacy, Donald Trump expressed relief that the Vatican at least chose an American to lead the Catholic Church.

Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) called on the Department of Justice and the FBI to investigate a series of anonymous pizza deliveries to federal judges, labeling the saucy act a “brazen assault on our judicial system.”

The city that once championed the “Defund the Police” movement is now desperately trying to walk back its stance as chaos reigns in the streets. In a surreal twist, a press conference held by the “Defund the Police” coalition ended in mayhem when a mob stormed the stage and pummeled the spokesperson, chanting, “Where are the cops?!”

President Donald Trump announced today that after successfully rebranding the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America,” he’s now setting his sights on renaming the Persian Gulf to the “Arabian Sea — But Better.”

After spending millions on a floating pier off the coast of Gaza intended to foster economic development, the Biden administration officially labeled the project a dud, admitting that “we underestimated the whole water not being solid thing.”

In a stunning blow to President Trump’s “Extreme Makeover: Government Edition,” a federal judge has blocked his plan to dismantle the Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS), the Minority Business Development Agency (MBDA), and the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS), calling the move “a tad too aggressive, even for reality TV standards.”