In what sources are calling a “Malibu malfunction of presidential proportions,” former President Joe Biden reportedly failed to recognize George Clooney—yes, that George Clooney—during a high-profile fundraiser just days before the CNN debate that launched a thousand panic attacks in Democratic circles.

In a rare display of bipartisan agreement, Americans from every walk of life—from Prius-driving vegans to lifted-truck libertarians—have united in their mutual hatred of one thing: the dreaded start-stop function in modern vehicles. The Environmental Protection Agency, smelling the faint odor of approval for once, is reportedly preparing a crackdown.

In a shocking act of digital discrimination, Toro Loco — the now-iconic bull known for his peaceful protest and legendary moped heist — was left “utterly steamed” after Facebook flagged and removed his latest post for alleged spam.

In a revolutionary move that blurs the line between tech innovation and dystopian sci-fi, Apple announced it will soon support brain-implant control of its devices — allowing users to open apps, send texts, or regret life choices without lifting a finger.

In a bizarre incident that left security officials scratching their heads, a group of activists was detained while attempting to smuggle a goat onto the Temple Mount, insisting it was an “emotional support animal for the end times.”

In a bold move, Apple is reportedly considering raising iPhone prices to account for “increased air costs” in its production facilities.

In a bold move that has shocked political insiders and aviation enthusiasts alike, Qatar has reportedly offered Donald Trump a jumbo jet to replace Air Force One, stating that it would be “an absolute honor” to provide him with the “Trumpiest plane ever.”

In a bold move to stay ahead of the financial curve, Steak n Shake announced it will now accept Bitcoin at all locations starting May 16, declaring, “The movement is just beginning… and so are the transaction fees!”

In a scene that looked more like a summer block party than an international conflict, residents in Pakistan lounged in lawn chairs, sipping chai and munching on samosas, as missiles roared overhead toward India.

In a bold move to “Make America Healthy Again,” the Trump administration has announced three new food colors that promise to “inject a little patriotism” into every meal.

In a jaw-dropping interview on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” Ben & Jerry’s co-founder Ben Cohen sent shockwaves through the conservative talk show’s audience by passionately declaring his love for Jesus Christ — and making a surprising claim about the dietary choices of the Messiah.

In what might be the most bewildering take on illegal immigration ever aired, an MSNBC guest proclaimed, “If I get murdered by an undocumented immigrant, please tell my children, ‘I did not care that they were undocumented.’”

In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the diaper industry, TikTok mommy influencer Chloe Sage claims she successfully potty-trained her 3-week-old baby, Sequoia-Rain. “It’s actually a LOT easier than you think,” Chloe told her 2.5 million followers while balancing a glass of kombucha on her head.

In a jaw-dropping segment on “The View,” the hosts dared to ask President Joe Biden about his rumored cognitive decline. Biden’s response was a wandering monologue about ice cream trucks, Corn Pop, and how he once challenged a Roomba to a push-up contest.