In a bold move to promote “balance,” top ABC executives have reportedly asked The View hosts to scale back their criticism of Donald Trump, suggesting they limit their anti-Trump tirades to “every other sentence” rather than “every audible sound.”

With a tone of grave foreboding, China’s Foreign Ministry delivered a chilling rebuke to the United States this week, warning that the development of the “Golden Dome” missile defense shield could upset what Beijing called the “sacred equilibrium of end-time destruction.”

A mischievous kangaroo is once again on the loose in Colorado, bouncing through backyards and baffling local law enforcement in what’s being described as “a marsupial-fueled mockery of public safety.”

In what experts are calling the most expensive happy hour in U.S. history, the federal government has reportedly blown $40 billion in taxpayer money on credit card charges that include casinos, cruise lines, nightclubs, and other “strategically vital” venues.

A shocking new global report warns that by 2030, nearly half a billion teenagers could be classified as overweight. But fear not: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., leader of the recently launched MAHA Party (Muscles Are Humanity’s Answer), has unveiled a bold new plan to rescue America’s youth one kettlebell swing at a time.

Japan’s Minister of Agricultural Enlightenment (formerly Agriculture) resigned in disgrace this week after admitting he has never bought rice in his life — because people just give it to him.

Southwest Airlines has announced a bold new safety policy requiring all passengers to keep phone chargers, cables, and power bricks fully visible during flights, in a move the airline says will reduce fire hazards and mid-air suspicion.

A year ago, a select group of tech disciples stood in line for hours—some even fasting from avocado toast—to receive what they believed was the long-awaited Apple Vision Pro, a $3,500 headset heralded as the gateway to a glorious future.

Allegations have surfaced suggesting that former President Joe Biden might be showing signs of senility. His family quickly dismissed the claims, saying Joe’s just entered his “deep reflective grandpa phase.”

In what some are calling the most bipartisan moment in recent memory, a coalition of frustrated Democrats—and a handful of superstitious Astros fans—have introduced emergency legislation to officially ban Senator Ted Cruz from attending live sporting events, citing what they refer to as the “Cruz Curse.”

In a bold move to once again out-meme the internet, President Donald Trump posted a mysterious video montage titled “The Clinton Body Count” to TruthSocial, immediately causing every intern at Snopes to call in sick with heart palpitations.

In a surprise twist that left the intelligence community reeling and the Twitterverse clutching its pearls, former CIA Director John Brennan issued a strongly worded condemnation of Tulsi Gabbard’s decision to fire Mike Collins and Maria Langan-Riekhof—two longtime fixtures in the foggy bureaucratic jungle known as Washington’s “permanent government.”

In a bold move to return America to its culinary roots, In-N-Out Burger announced it will be removing all artificial ingredients from its menu — including the ones that made you question whether that milkshake was really made from milk?

In what federal agents are calling “a modern-day parable of poor judgment,” U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) seized 150,000 cigarettes from a retired Christian couple attempting to sneak them off a cruise ship “for ministry purposes.”

In a moment hailed by some as “prophetic” and by others as “a well-meaning, but slightly confused reenactment,” a lamb was ceremonially brought up to the Temple Mount for the first time in 2,000 years to commemorate the Second Passover — a biblical make-up day for anyone who missed the original due to travel, impurity, or, apparently, modern schedules.

Archaeologists have announced a groundbreaking discovery on the slopes of Mount Ararat, claiming to have uncovered what they believe is the remnants of Noah’s Ark — and inside, something even more miraculous: fossilized animal droppings, ancient hay, and what appears to be a sealed jar labeled “Mosquito – Do Not Open”.

In a dramatic twist that left both lawmakers and lactose lovers shaken, Ben Cohen — the “Ben” in Ben & Jerry’s — was escorted out of a congressional hearing for interrupting presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The disruption not only derailed the proceedings but reportedly triggered a tragic side effect: thousands of pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream began melting in solidarity.

According to new polling data and a suspiciously curated TikTok trend, political analysts have concluded that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is now the de facto head of the Democratic Party. Move over Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and anyone born before the iPhone—Gen Z’s favorite socialist barista-turned-congresswoman is setting the national agenda, one Instagram Story at a time.

In a divine twist of fate that could only be described as biblical irony, Harvard Law School officials admitted Thursday they accidentally purchased a copy of the Magna Carta for $27 on eBay, only to discover it was an original 1215 version—worth millions—and, according to one overzealous theology professor, “likely handled by the Apostle Paul on his missionary journey to Britain.”