In a bold move ahead of crucial trade negotiations, China has decided to shutter its entire economic data department and instead distribute fortune cookies with vague yet optimistic phrases like, “Great prosperity is just around the corner,” and “Your GDP may be lower than expected, but everything is about to change.”

In a fiery speech on the Senate floor, Sen. Josh Hawley demanded an immediate vote on the PELOSI Act, a proposed bill requiring lawmakers to disclose their stock trades in real-time while wearing sandwich boards that read, “Ask Me About My Portfolio.”

In a tear-filled farewell broadcasted exclusively on Microsoft Teams, the tech giant officially pulled the plug on Skype, the app that once ruled the world of awkward video calls and echo-laden conferences.

President Donald Trump announced plans to reopen the infamous Alcatraz prison with the specific purpose of housing “certain political figures,” beginning with his longtime nemesis, Hillary Clinton.

In a teary-eyed farewell that lasted approximately 45 minutes — or roughly the duration of a decent nap — President Joe Biden said that deciding to step down in 2024 was the toughest call of his career, pointing to the overwhelming success of his first term as the main reason for his departure.

After failing to secure the papacy, Donald Trump expressed relief that the Vatican at least chose an American to lead the Catholic Church.

Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) called on the Department of Justice and the FBI to investigate a series of anonymous pizza deliveries to federal judges, labeling the saucy act a “brazen assault on our judicial system.”

The city that once championed the “Defund the Police” movement is now desperately trying to walk back its stance as chaos reigns in the streets. In a surreal twist, a press conference held by the “Defund the Police” coalition ended in mayhem when a mob stormed the stage and pummeled the spokesperson, chanting, “Where are the cops?!”

President Donald Trump announced today that after successfully rebranding the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America,” he’s now setting his sights on renaming the Persian Gulf to the “Arabian Sea — But Better.”

After spending millions on a floating pier off the coast of Gaza intended to foster economic development, the Biden administration officially labeled the project a dud, admitting that “we underestimated the whole water not being solid thing.”

In a stunning blow to President Trump’s “Extreme Makeover: Government Edition,” a federal judge has blocked his plan to dismantle the Institute of Museum and Library Services (IMLS), the Minority Business Development Agency (MBDA), and the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service (FMCS), calling the move “a tad too aggressive, even for reality TV standards.”

In a stunning reversal of traditional economic policy discussions, President Donald Trump lashed out at Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, calling him a “fool” but admitting he enjoys using Powell as a verbal punching bag on social media.

In a bold press conference held in a cozy, dimly lit coffee shop filled with artisanal candles and NPR tote bags, the CEOs of NPR and PBS announced their intention to fight back against President Trump’s proposed funding cuts, insisting that they’re utterly unqualified to do anything else.

Disney announced today that its seventh theme park will be constructed in the heart of Abu Dhabi, merging the charm of Mickey Mouse with the heat of the Arabian Desert.

In a shocking revelation that sounds like a plot twist from a low-budget apocalypse movie, a former Bush administration official claims that the U.S. has secretly constructed a $21 trillion subterranean metropolis exclusively for the rich and powerful to hunker down in during a “near-extinction event,” the New York Post reported.

In a tense yet oddly cordial meeting at the White House, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney politely informed U.S. President Donald Trump that Canada is, in fact, not for sale. The statement came after Trump reportedly floated the idea of purchasing the Great White North as a way to resolve ongoing tariff disputes.

In a move that has left both political pundits and sports analysts scratching their heads, President Donald Trump announced that Washington D.C. will host the 2027 NFL Draft. The announcement, made from the Oval Office, was accompanied by a flurry of superlatives and a promise that this draft would be “the greatest in history.”