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By 2030, Half a Billion Teens May Be Overweight — RFK MAHA Promises CrossFit-Fueled National Workout

A shocking new global report warns that by 2030, nearly half a billion teenagers could be classified as overweight. But fear not: Robert F. Kennedy Jr., leader of the recently launched MAHA Party (Muscles Are Humanity’s Answer), has unveiled a bold new plan to rescue America’s youth one kettlebell swing at a time.

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Brennan Condemns Gabbard Firing, Accidentally Endorses Deep State Accountability

In a surprise twist that left the intelligence community reeling and the Twitterverse clutching its pearls, former CIA Director John Brennan issued a strongly worded condemnation of Tulsi Gabbard’s decision to fire Mike Collins and Maria Langan-Riekhof—two longtime fixtures in the foggy bureaucratic jungle known as Washington’s “permanent government.”

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For the First Time in 2,000 Years, a Lamb Returns to the Temple Mount — But Still No One Notices the One Who Already Came

In a moment hailed by some as “prophetic” and by others as “a well-meaning, but slightly confused reenactment,” a lamb was ceremonially brought up to the Temple Mount for the first time in 2,000 years to commemorate the Second Passover — a biblical make-up day for anyone who missed the original due to travel, impurity, or, apparently, modern schedules.

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New Noah’s Ark Discovery Sparks Interest from Jurassic Park Scientists, Church Potluck Committee

Archaeologists have announced a groundbreaking discovery on the slopes of Mount Ararat, claiming to have uncovered what they believe is the remnants of Noah’s Ark — and inside, something even more miraculous: fossilized animal droppings, ancient hay, and what appears to be a sealed jar labeled “Mosquito – Do Not Open”.

Unveil the next twist – it’s a wild ride! (Read More)

Ben Hauled Off RFK Jr. Hearing, Causing Nationwide Meltdown — Including His Ice Cream

In a dramatic twist that left both lawmakers and lactose lovers shaken, Ben Cohen — the “Ben” in Ben & Jerry’s — was escorted out of a congressional hearing for interrupting presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The disruption not only derailed the proceedings but reportedly triggered a tragic side effect: thousands of pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream began melting in solidarity.

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“It’s AOC’s Democratic Party Now,” Data Shows — Christians Asked to Leave Their Bibles at the Door

According to new polling data and a suspiciously curated TikTok trend, political analysts have concluded that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is now the de facto head of the Democratic Party. Move over Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and anyone born before the iPhone—Gen Z’s favorite socialist barista-turned-congresswoman is setting the national agenda, one Instagram Story at a time.

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Harvard Law School Accidentally Buys Gospel Truth: $27 Magna Carta Turns Out to Be Priceless Original

In a divine twist of fate that could only be described as biblical irony, Harvard Law School officials admitted Thursday they accidentally purchased a copy of the Magna Carta for $27 on eBay, only to discover it was an original 1215 version—worth millions—and, according to one overzealous theology professor, “likely handled by the Apostle Paul on his missionary journey to Britain.”

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