TOKYO (Worthy Satire) – Japan’s Minister of Agricultural Enlightenment (formerly Agriculture) resigned in disgrace this week after admitting he has never bought rice in his life — because people just give it to him.
“I always assumed rice just… appeared,” said Minister Hiroshi Takano, addressing reporters with the innocent bewilderment of a man who thinks crops are summoned like Uber rides. “Every autumn, sacks of rice just show up. I thought it was a national tradition — like origami or ignoring scandals.”
The statement, made during a routine budget hearing, instantly triggered nationwide outrage. Rice farmers staged a dramatic protest, pelting government buildings with uncooked grains while chanting, “WE BUY OUR OWN RICE, YOU ELITE SUSHI SYMPATHIZER!”
Critics say the scandal reveals a deep disconnect between ruling elites and the common bowl. “If you’ve never stood in a supermarket aisle comparing jasmine to short-grain, you don’t understand the soul of this nation,” said one opposition lawmaker, furiously holding up a 5kg bag of Nishiki as evidence.
In his resignation letter, Takano wrote:
“I regret any offense caused by my lifelong assumption that rice was a divine gift granted to those in power. I now realize not everyone has an honorary village that tithes in carbohydrates.”
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