(Worthy Satire) – In a stunning display of perseverance — or perhaps just stubbornness—the Iranian regime announced today that it will continue its nuclear program at “full speed,” despite the minor inconvenience that every single nuclear installation in the country has been reduced to smoldering rubble.
Standing defiantly before a backdrop of twisted metal and radioactive dust, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei declared, “We may not have any centrifuges, reactors, laboratories, or electrical outlets left, but by Allah, we are not quitters!”
Iranian state media hailed the speech as “historic,” noting that while the nuclear program currently consists of a charred toolbox, two AA batteries, and a schematic drawn on a napkin, work will proceed “without delay.”
“Our enemies think they can stop us by turning our facilities into craters visible from space,” said Iranian Nuclear Chief Hamid Zarif. “But we have grit. And we have plans to rebuild—just as soon as we can locate some uranium that hasn’t been vaporized.”
In a follow-up statement, the government unveiled its new initiative: Operation Nuclear Spirit, aimed at inspiring the next generation of Iranian scientists to dream of reactors they’ll never build. The official slogan: “You can bomb our buildings, but you can’t bomb our dreams.”
Meanwhile, satellite imagery confirms that what used to be Iran’s nuclear infrastructure now doubles as a national chain of open-air barbecue pits, prompting one U.S. official to quip, “Iran’s nuclear threat is now mostly smoke—literally.”
When asked how Iran plans to move forward, Khamenei hinted at a new secret facility “so well hidden even we don’t know where it is yet.”
Analysts predict Iran will announce construction of a new reactor site by next week—or at least a PowerPoint presentation of one.
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