TEHRAN (Worthy Satire) – In what officials called a “major efficiency reform,” Iran’s leadership announced Tuesday that it had dramatically streamlined the process of selecting the nation’s next Supreme Leader by appointing one who is already dead.
The decision came shortly after Israel reportedly bombed the building in the city of Qom where senior clerics had gathered to vote on the next leader of the Islamic Republic. The Assembly of Experts — the powerful body responsible for selecting the Supreme Leader — was meeting when the strike hit the complex. 
According to Iranian officials, the incident created what they described as “a logistical challenge” for the voting process.
“Frankly, the election process was becoming complicated,” said one cleric speaking from what he described as a “temporary undisclosed bunker somewhere under a rug shop.” “So we asked ourselves: why vote at all when several of the candidates are already dead?”
The cleric explained that the Assembly of Experts ultimately concluded that appointing a deceased Supreme Leader would provide “maximum ideological consistency.”
“A dead leader never changes policy, never compromises with the West, and never accidentally moderates his position,” he said. “This is exactly the stability the revolution needs.”
The leadership crisis erupted after longtime Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was killed during a series of Israeli and U.S. airstrikes targeting Iran’s senior leadership in late February. 
With many potential successors reportedly eliminated in the same strikes, the Assembly of Experts was already struggling to assemble a full ballot.
“Technically the top candidates were first place, second place, and third place,” one regime insider admitted. “Unfortunately they were all vaporized.”
Officials said the newly appointed deceased leader will govern through a “robust archive” of previously recorded speeches condemning Israel, America, and insufficiently enthusiastic chanting.
State television praised the decision as “the most stable leadership transition in decades.”
Analysts say the new Supreme Leader has already demonstrated exceptional leadership qualities.
“He has maintained total silence on controversial issues, avoided internal factional disputes, and has not made a single policy mistake since his death,” one commentator noted.
At press time, Iran’s parliament was reportedly considering a broader government efficiency initiative that would fill several remaining cabinet positions with “experienced officials who are also conveniently deceased.”
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