WASHINGTON D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a teary-eyed farewell that lasted approximately 45 minutes — or roughly the duration of a decent nap — President Joe Biden said that deciding to step down in 2024 was the toughest call of his career, pointing to the overwhelming success of his first term as the main reason for his departure.
“It was a tough decision,” Biden said, leaning heavily on the podium. “But after all the victories we’ve had — record inflation, gas prices so high they’re practically luxury goods, and a border so secure even the tumbleweeds are getting frisked — I just felt it was time to let someone else take a crack at ruining — I mean, running — things.”
Biden reflected fondly on his unprecedented achievements, including “perfecting the art of the strategic nap,” signing dozens of executive orders he now can’t quite remember, and presiding over “the smoothest evacuation in Afghan history,” a statement greeted by loud coughing from the press corps.
“Listen, folks, it’s like I always say,” Biden added, glancing down at his notes. “Uh… what do I always say? Anyway, it’s been a heck of a ride. But my job here is done. I’ve solved all the problems. Time to let the next guy — or gal or sentient AI chatbot — take it from here.”
The White House later clarified that Biden’s statement was “technically accurate” if you consider success to be a relative term and forget about the last four years.
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