WASHINGTON D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a bold press conference held in a cozy, dimly lit coffee shop filled with artisanal candles and NPR tote bags, the CEOs of NPR and PBS announced their intention to fight back against President Trump’s proposed funding cuts, insisting that they’re utterly unqualified to do anything else.
“I mean, what am I supposed to do? Read the news in a normal, non-whispery voice?” said NPR CEO, Carl Podcasterson, clutching a microphone like it was a life raft. “I haven’t used a regular speaking volume since the mid-90s. At this point, even my therapist needs closed captions.”
PBS CEO Linda Docuworthy echoed the sentiment, waving a stack of Ken Burns documentaries in the air. “These are my resume, my references, and my emergency retirement fund,” she said. “If I’m not narrating the Civil War in slow motion, I have no viable skills. Unless there’s a sudden demand for people who can summarize a 7-hour documentary on the history of shoelaces.”
The two vowed to challenge Trump’s budget cuts in court, with Docuworthy adding, “If they cut us off, we might have to resort to… commercial breaks.”
The room gasped. The horror.
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