(Worthy Satire) – Authorities have launched a full-scale investigation after a luxury resort reported the mysterious disappearance of over 40 of its prized ornamental peacocks, who roamed the property freely as part of its “Exotic Elegance Experience.”
“Guests expect to be awakened by the soothing screech of a peacock perched on their balcony railing,” said the hotel’s general manager, Devin Featherstone. “Instead, they’re waking up to empty lawns and suspiciously quiet breakfast buffets.”
Local police say the birds vanished sometime between last Thursday and Sunday morning, noting that surveillance footage shows a man in a flamingo onesie luring several peacocks into a trailer using glitter and crushed granola bars.
As the community reels from the loss, one local food truck is facing increasing scrutiny — and soaring five-star reviews. “I thought it was a marketing gimmick,” said local resident Mandy Flake. “But those rainbow-colored tenders? Absolutely divine. Tastes like chicken, but sassier.”
The mobile eatery, Strut & Fry, denies any wrongdoing. “Our Peacock NuggetsTM are 100% ethically sourced,” said owner Ricky “Chef Rick” Ramirez, while inexplicably avoiding eye contact and stuffing feathers into a trash can. “We pride ourselves on flavor and plausible deniability.”
Police have yet to make any arrests, but have confirmed that several residents have been spotted wearing vibrant feather boas that “suspiciously match the resort’s missing flock.”
Meanwhile, the hotel is offering a reward for any information leading to the birds’ return — or at least a 10-piece nugget combo with dipping sauce.
“Justice will be served,” said Officer Linda Quackenbush. “Preferably with ranch.”
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