(Worthy Satire) – In a breaking analysis that shook the foundations of the paperweight industry, veteran newsman Brit Hume has declared that President Joe Biden’s use of an autopen to sign a critical piece of legislation is “far more serious than NBC News or common sense would have you believe.”
“This isn’t just about a machine signing bills,” Hume warned on-air, gripping his pen like a Founding Father. “It’s about the mechanized erosion of democracy—one robotic signature at a time.”
NBC News had previously downplayed the event, calling it “standard procedure,” “completely legal,” and “a thing every president since Truman has done.” But Hume was not swayed.
“Do you think Thomas Jefferson used an autopen when he signed the Declaration of Independence?” he asked, his voice cracking with synthetic patriotism. “No. He dipped a quill in ink while freedom flapped in the breeze.”
Anonymous sources inside the White House say the autopen was used because President Biden was “briefly unavailable due to intense negotiations with his dog Commander over sock ownership.”
But conservative critics see something darker.
“This is how it starts,” warned one pundit. “First it’s the autopen. Next thing you know, the AI starts issuing executive orders, pardoning Roombas, and nominating Siri to the Supreme Court.”
Meanwhile, NBC News stood by its coverage, releasing a follow-up story titled “Please Calm Down: It’s Just a Pen.”
As the controversy rages, constitutional scholars are split—half believe this is much ado about nothing. The other half were autopens all along.
Coming up next on Fox:
A full hour special—“Signaturegate: Is Biden Even Real?”
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