(Worthy Satire) – In a heartwarming yet slightly unsettling milestone this week, Amazon celebrated the deployment of its one-millionth robot at its mega-fulfillment center in Japan. The robot, affectionately named “Unit #1000000,” was welcomed with confetti, a synchronized beeping ceremony, and a retirement party for Steve–Amazon’s last human warehouse worker at the facility.
“Steve was a legend,” said the new facility manager, a sleek AI named FulfillTron-9000. “He could lift up to 23 pounds without a hydraulic arm and once smiled at a coworker without being prompted. He’ll be missed.”
The new robot, built with advanced package-sorting algorithms, facial-recognition-powered inventory sensors, and the ability to glare menacingly at nearby humans without eyes, is expected to increase efficiency by 0.0042%–which Amazon executives called a “revolution.”
“This is what Bezos dreamed of when he first stared into the void of space,” said company spokesperson Alana Circuit. “A world where robots don’t sleep, eat, unionize, or ask about bathroom breaks.”
According to leaked internal memos, Amazon plans to celebrate Unit #1000000 with a new promotional holiday called Prime Directive Day, where robots get double charging time and humans are reminded to “step with caution or be gently nudged aside by a package-delivering exoskeleton.”
Meanwhile, Steve has been offered a severance package that includes three Prime Pantry coupons and a heartfelt email from Alexa saying, “Thanks, Steve. We’ve got it from here.”
He now plans to spend his retirement learning how to avoid drone delivery flight paths in his backyard.
When asked if he had any parting words, Steve simply said, “At least the robots don’t steal your lunch from the break room.”
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