(Worthy Satire) – In a new Gallup poll released just in time for the Fourth of July, only 36% of Democrats reported being “very proud” to be American—prompting nationwide shortages of reusable tote bags, NPR bumper stickers, and hand-woven guilt.
The remaining 64% were reportedly somewhat proud, existentially conflicted, or in one notable case, currently identifying as Canadian until after the election.
“We’re not un-American,” clarified Brooklyn resident Luna Thistle, sipping an oat milk cortado in front of her vintage typewriter. “We just think fireworks are colonialist, the flag is problematic, and freedom should come with a trigger warning.”
Meanwhile, Republicans are preparing to celebrate America’s birthday the old-fashioned way—with meat, explosions, and singing the Star Spangled Banner.
“Nothing says liberty like lighting Chinese-made mortars while shouting ‘Let’s Go Brandon,’” said Chad Rawlins of rural Texas, whose grill is already on its third propane tank of the week.
Independents, for their part, were split between “very proud,” “mildly bewildered,” and “still waiting for Joe Rogan to weigh in.”
In California, state officials are expected to replace fireworks with mindfulness circles and low-emission sparklers, while New York has issued a PSA reminding citizens that barbecued meats are “potentially fascist.”
Still, some Democrats are planning to attend July 4th events—as long as they’re sustainably catered, feature at least one spoken-word poem about indigenous pain, and end with a diversity-focused drone light show.
As the nation prepares for Independence Day, Americans remain divided—not just by politics, but by whether it’s okay to eat a hot dog if the pig’s backstory hasn’t been ethically sourced.
One thing’s for sure: even if only 36% of Democrats are “very proud” to be American, 100% of them will still take the day off.
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