(Worthy Satire) – In a shocking new study that no one asked for, researchers found that conservatives report higher levels of happiness than liberals across every measurable category — including work, family, relationships, pets, hobbies, weather, and even the taste of oatmeal.
The groundbreaking findings triggered immediate outrage on social media, with liberals demanding a retraction and accusing the researchers of “happiness shaming.”
“This study is oppressive,” tweeted one activist. “I’d be WAY happier if I wasn’t constantly being told that I’m supposed to be happy! Let me be miserable in peace!”
Sources say liberal respondents proposed several conditions under which they might feel joy, including: abolishing capitalism, outlawing offensive speech, and ensuring nobody anywhere enjoys life more than they do.
Meanwhile, conservatives celebrated the results with backyard barbecues, family game nights, and another round of not caring what Twitter thinks.
Researchers are now considering a follow-up study: Why Does Everything Make Liberals Angry?
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