LOS ANGELES (Worthy Satire) – In a tragic tale of modern injustice, dozens of Los Angeles looters are reportedly grappling with “severe emotional distress” after realizing the iPhones they heroically liberated during a recent smash-and-grab spree are completely useless, thanks to Apple’s cruel anti-theft technology.
“I risked my life dodging glass shards, security alarms, and a slightly annoyed store clerk, only to be betrayed by Tim Cook personally,” sobbed one masked looter, who now identifies as an “unwilling product tester.”
Sources confirm that upon powering up their new devices, looters were met with chilling messages like “Please return to Apple Store”, “This device has been disabled”, and “Nice try.”
Legal experts say a class-action lawsuit is already being considered, arguing that Apple’s actions amount to “entrapment.”
“We were promised top-of-the-line smartphones,” said a spokesperson for the informal Looters Union Local 213. “Instead, we got overpriced paperweights. Where’s the justice in that?”
Meanwhile, Apple declined to comment, but insiders report the company is quietly working on a new feature: a custom ringtone that blares “Crime Don’t Pay (Remix)” on loop every time a stolen iPhone is activated — because sometimes, the phone has to spell it out.
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