(Worthy Satire) – In a breakthrough for parents who always dreamed of designing their child like a luxury car, a genetics startup has launched a revolutionary service that ranks embryos based on IQ, height, and facial symmetry — finally merging science with the moral clarity of a used car dealership.
“Our test lets parents pick the embryo most likely to be a tall, good-looking genius,” said Dr. Gene Pushmore, founder of BetterBabiez Inc. “We call it eugenics, but with a tech startup font.”
For just $29,999.99 (with Klarna financing available), expectant parents can now swipe left or right on their own fertilized embryos — discarding the underachievers before they even form a spinal cord.
Critics have expressed concern over the ethical implications, but Pushmore is undeterred. “Look, we’re not playing God — we’re just helping Him out. Maybe giving Him a little UX upgrade.”
The company plans to expand its offerings in 2026 to include rankings for “humor potential,” “TikTok charisma,” and “ability to resist gluten.” A loyalty program will reward returning customers with bonus embryos and a free coffee.
Meanwhile, rival companies are already working on in-womb SAT prep, while Meta is reportedly developing the Zuckling, a pre-coded child optimized for metaverse engagement.
When asked what could go wrong, Pushmore laughed. “Please. What’s the worst that could happen–elitist baby cults, genetic caste systems, and a generation that can’t cope unless they’re 6’2″ and know calculus by age 5?”
Experts warn this is just the beginning. “Next they’ll be ranking grandparents based on inheritance potential,” one bioethicist noted, weeping into his last shred of optimism.
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