WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a surprise announcement that stunned the White House press corps, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declared she is officially leaving the Democratic Party, citing a “deep longing to find acceptance somewhere less judgmental… like maybe a Libertarian knitting circle.”
“I realized I was no longer aligned with the core values of the party,” Jean-Pierre said, holding back tears. “When I called the economy ‘strong’ while eggs were $12 a dozen, I got side-eyes from interns in Che Guevara T-shirts. I just don’t feel safe anymore.”
Sources say the press secretary has faced increasing backlash from within her own ranks–especially after mistakenly referring to a man as a man and suggesting that the border might actually exist.
“Last week, I used the term ‘illegal immigrant’ and three policy advisors fainted,” Jean-Pierre admitted. “It’s exhausting keeping up with daily updates to the Official Index of Acceptable Thought.”
While she hasn’t officially announced a new political affiliation, she hinted at exploring “a movement where facts are facts, women are women, and you’re not canceled for using the word ‘mom.'”
President Biden responded to the news by asking, “Who’s Karine?” before wandering off in search of his dog, who was recently reassigned to the Secret Service bite prevention unit.
“She was a loyal voice,” one DNC insider said. “But in today’s party, loyalty is nothing without an ever-shifting commitment to never being certain of anything–except your pronouns.”
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