AUSTIN, TX (Worthy Satire) – In a bold move to protect the digestive systems and moral fiber of Texans, state lawmakers are proposing that beloved American junk food icons — M&M’s, Skittles, and Doritos — carry warning labels reading “Not Recommended for Human Consumption.”
The legislation, nicknamed the “Don’t Mess with My Metabolism Act,” targets snacks with “potentially toxic additives,” artificial colors not found in nature, and any ingredient whose name sounds like a chemical weapon.
“The people of Texas have a right to know if they’re snacking on something that could double as industrial lubricant,” said Rep. Buck Cartwright (R-BBQ), who authored the bill while reportedly munching on all-natural beef jerky in a blaze-orange recliner.
Food industry lobbyists quickly fired back, with one Skittles executive insisting, “We’ve been helping Americans taste the rainbow for decades without anyone actually melting.” M&M’s issued a statement promising to only melt in your mouth — and never in your endocrine system.
The proposed labels would also include a QR code linking to a YouTube video of a stern-looking rancher slowly shaking his head while holding a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
If passed, the law would make Texas the first state to legally declare war on childhood birthday parties, road trips, and vending machines everywhere.
Nutritionists have applauded the measure, while college students are organizing a protest under the banner, “My Body, My Snacks.”
As the debate heats up, one thing is clear: the future of recreational eating in the Lone Star State just got a whole lot spicier — and not in a good way.
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