(Worthy Satire) – A man is suing Disney after what he calls a “near-orbital aquatic incident” on one of the park’s waterslides, claiming he exceeded the ride’s weight limit and reached “exhilarating speeds that should require a pilot’s license.”
According to the lawsuit, the man launched down the slide with such force that lifeguards described the splashdown as “a Category 3 event.” Witnesses say children were knocked off their feet in the splash zone, and one family’s turkey leg was reportedly lost in the wave.
“I came for magic and memories,” the man said outside the courthouse, “not to become a human torpedo.”
Park officials say weight limits are clearly posted, but the man argues Disney failed to stop him from entering. “They saw me. They made eye contact. And yet… they let it happen,” he said, wiping away tears and Dippin’ Dots.
Legal experts say the case could hinge on whether Disney’s waiver covers “accidental aquatic launch systems.” Meanwhile, the waterslide has been temporarily renamed The G-Force Geyser and is being marketed with the tagline: “For guests who want to experience the magic–and possibly low orbit.”
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