AMSTERDAM (Worthy Satire) – Haribo has issued an urgent recall of its Happy Cola gummies in the Netherlands after several schoolchildren were caught giggling uncontrollably while trying to solve 2+2 using the Common Core curriculum.
The culprit? Trace amounts of cannabis were reportedly found in a rogue batch of gummies, resulting in what authorities called “a spontaneous classroom stand-up routine.”
“Little Timmy asked if carrying the one was ‘emotionally necessary,’” said one traumatized third-grade teacher. “Another kid tried to draw a bar graph to explain why two plus two equals potato.”
Parents were first alarmed when children came home offering sage-like advice such as, “Maybe the real answer was the friends we made along the number line.”
Meanwhile, educators were split on the incident. Some insisted it highlighted the dangers of tainted candy. Others said it was the first time students showed genuine interest in math.
Haribo has apologized and promised tighter quality control, noting, “Our gummies are meant to bring joy—not to cause existential dread during long division.”
The Ministry of Education is investigating. In unrelated news, standardized test scores hit an all-time emotional high.
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