OLYMPIA, WA (Worthy Satire) – In what experts are calling a “bold reimagining of misery,” Washington State Democrats have unveiled a record-breaking budget that raises taxes while simultaneously slashing public services — a fiscal two-for-one deal no one asked for.
“We’re thrilled,” said State Budget Director Clive Smalls, while lighting a bonfire of expired EBT cards. “It takes real political courage to charge people more while giving them less. That’s leadership.”
The new budget includes higher gas taxes, increased property levies, a “breathing air fee,” and a surcharge on eye contact lasting longer than three seconds. At the same time, public libraries, road maintenance, and emergency response services will see historic reductions — what Governor Jay Inslee called “a commitment to sustainable suffering.”
Local citizens expressed mixed reactions. “I thought I was already paying for nothing,” said Seattle resident Linda Grove, “but now I realize there was still some stuff quietly working in the background. I’ll miss that.”
In defense of the cuts, State Senator Maple Leanjacket explained, “It’s simple economics. The less we give you, the more empowered you become. This is about character development.”
Meanwhile, Democratic leaders promise that the new funds will go toward critical initiatives, including a $30 million “Task Force on Budget Feelings,” a TikTok influencer climate awareness campaign, and a bronze statue of Karl Marx hugging Greta Thunberg.
Republicans proposed an alternative budget titled “What If We Didn’t,” but it was immediately dismissed for being dangerously reasonable.
At press time, lawmakers were reportedly exploring a new “luxury walking tax” for citizens caught ambulating without visible signs of despair.
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