WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a revelation that has left both military officials and the archangels shaking their heads, reports have confirmed that the military-air traffic control hotline safeguarding the skies over the nation’s capital hasn’t worked in over three years.
“Apparently, if an unidentified aircraft flies toward Washington, our response plan is to wave at it and hope it turns around,” admitted one anonymous defense official, who now refers to the Pentagon as “The Upper Room of Wishful Thinking.”
Meanwhile, Christian leaders across the country responded by assuring the public that one hotline is still functioning perfectly.
“Unlike the D.C. air traffic hotline, God’s direct line has never had a service outage, never been under maintenance, and doesn’t rely on federal funding,” said Pastor Eli Matthews of Mount Sinai Evangelical.
The news sparked renewed interest in prayer as the ultimate air defense system. “If anything comes toward this city,” said one local believer, “we’re praying, not calling some broken rotary phone at NORAD.”
Sources close to the situation say former President Biden tried calling the defunct hotline himself, but ended up leaving a voicemail on a fax machine labeled “DO NOT USE – Clinton Era.”
In response to the fiasco, Congress held an emergency session, where lawmakers voted 426–9 to rename the hotline “The Faith Line” and simply encourage military officials to “believe hard” if anything sketchy shows up on radar.
As a backup, officials confirmed they’ve installed a giant sign over D.C. airspace that reads: “If you can read this, please don’t.”
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