COOPERSTOWN, NY (Worthy Satire) – In a bold, progressive move that took only 35 years and one funeral, Major League Baseball has officially reinstated Pete Rose’s eligibility for the Hall of Fame—despite the fact that Rose inconveniently died at the age of 83 on October 1, 2024.
“Pete Rose is, and always has been, a legend of the game,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred at a press conference, while standing beneath a banner that read, Now That He Can’t Enjoy It, We’re Ready to Celebrate Him. “We believe it’s time to honor his contributions to baseball—now that he’s no longer around to remind us how badly we mishandled this.”
Rose, who racked up 4,256 hits, 17 All-Star appearances, and one lifetime ban for betting on baseball, spent decades asking to be forgiven. MLB spent those same decades responding with a firm “no comment” and, in later years, “have you tried our new betting app?”
The timing of the reinstatement has left many baffled. “It’s like inviting someone to dinner after you’ve already eaten, cleaned up, and sold the house,” said one longtime Reds fan. “The man could’ve used this while he was alive. Instead, they waited until his jersey number was more active than his pulse.”
Sources inside the league say the decision was driven in part by evolving attitudes toward sports betting, which is now the official pastime of Major League Baseball, just behind rain delays and elbow surgeries.
In a tribute video, MLB highlighted Rose’s career achievements while soft music played and FanDuel odds scrolled along the bottom ticker.
When asked if Rose will now be inducted into Cooperstown, a spokesperson replied, “Yes, but only posthumously. And just to be clear—if he pulls a Lazarus, we’re reviewing this again.”
A statue of Pete Rose is expected to be erected outside the Hall of Fame next spring. It will show him mid-slide into second base—clutching a parlay ticket.
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