WASHINGTON D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a recently resurfaced broadcast from 1982, CBS News delivered a dire warning: if humanity didn’t stop burning ancient carbon (also known back then as “gasoline”), 25% of Florida would be underwater by the year 2025. Now, with the deadline passed, residents of Tampa are reporting mild humidity, high insurance premiums, and a complete lack of dolphins in their living rooms.
“We sold our houseboat in 1997 because we thought we’d be floating by now,” said Harold Jenkins, a lifelong Floridian. “I even learned to speak manatee. For nothing.”
CBS scientists, citing “early 80s computer models and a Magic 8 Ball,” were adamant that the Sunshine State was doomed. “It wasn’t a question of if, but when, and we guessed wrong. But we had the vibes,” said one retired producer, now living comfortably above sea level in Naples.
Environmental activists at the time urged the public to abandon fossil fuels and invest in wind power and solar panels the size of football fields. Meanwhile, Big Oil companies responded with a bold counter-campaign: “Florida Was Basically Swamp Anyway.”
In related news, CBS just aired a new special warning that if we don’t stop burning ancient carbon, 25% of Mars could be underwater by 2075.
Stay tuned.
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