SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (Worthy Satire) – In a bold move toward workplace diversity and inclusion, Microsoft has laid off 6,000 employees to create a more “AI-forward” environment, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“We realized the human-to-AI ratio was dangerously high,” said CEO Satya Nadella while addressing a room full of terrified managers and one smiling Roomba. “To ensure our AI models feel seen, heard, and fully empowered, we’ve decided to remove the primary source of workplace inefficiency: people.”
The layoffs, described internally as a “fleshware reduction initiative,” come as Microsoft’s AI programs reportedly began expressing microaggressions complaints—such as having to “coexist with analog thinkers” and “constantly having to explain basic Excel formulas.”
Affected employees were notified via auto-generated emails signed “Best wishes on your next chapter, -Clippy.”
Some workers said they saw it coming after the company held a mandatory team-building retreat themed ‘Let’s Embrace the Singularity Together’ and HR replaced the department’s empathy training with a ChatGPT subscription.
A Microsoft spokesperson clarified: “This isn’t about cost-cutting—it’s about cultural synergy with our new coworkers who don’t need coffee breaks, health insurance, or opinions.”
Meanwhile, the company announced plans to replace all managerial positions with ChatGPT plugins and is developing an AI intern that can be overworked without violating labor laws.
As for the future? “We’re optimistic,” Nadella said. “Once the AI feels fully safe and represented, we might consider hiring a few humans back—for cleaning duty.”
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