WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – In a rare display of bipartisan agreement, Americans from every walk of life—from Prius-driving vegans to lifted-truck libertarians—have united in their mutual hatred of one thing: the dreaded start-stop function in modern vehicles. The Environmental Protection Agency, smelling the faint odor of approval for once, is reportedly preparing a crackdown.
“It’s the only thing Americans agree on,” said EPA Administrator Michael Regretz, flanked by mechanics and annoyed Uber drivers. “Forget climate change, emissions, or clean water. We’re focusing on what really matters—keeping your engine on during a five-second red light.”
The start-stop function, allegedly invented by a Swedish engineer who hated happiness, automatically shuts off the engine at idle to save fuel. But according to a leaked 4,000-page EPA report titled “Annoying the Masses: How Did We Let This Happen?”, the feature may save gas—but it costs America its soul.
“It’s like my car’s playing red light-green light, and I’m the punchline,” grumbled commuter Trisha McAllister, who claims she’s developed PTSD from her Honda stuttering awake like a student after finals week.
The move comes as automakers quietly admitted that start-stop was less about fuel economy and more about “reminding the driver that the car is smarter than they are.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have begun circulating rumors that the feature was secretly designed by the Illuminati to condition the population for mandatory obedience during “engine lockdowns.”
