(Worthy Satire) – Residents were left fuming this morning as two chipmunks, dubbed “Rocky” and “Nutty,” brought traffic to a complete standstill during a heated brawl over a single acorn.
“They were going at it like it was the last nut on Earth,” said Carl Jenkins, a local delivery driver stuck behind a line of cars honking at the fur-flying spectacle. “I saw one of them do a spinning roundhouse kick that would’ve made Chuck Norris proud.”
Witnesses reported that Rocky, the burlier of the two, accused Nutty of “illegally encroaching on his branch territory,” while Nutty retaliated with a series of furious squeaks that some experts translated as, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
Animal control was called to the scene, but were forced to retreat after both chipmunks hurled acorn shells at them like tiny, nutty grenades.
“They’re not backing down,” said Officer Laura Greene. “We’ve got a SWAT team on standby, but they’re demanding exclusive rights to all nuts within a 50-yard radius. Negotiations are ongoing.”
Meanwhile, the acorn remains at the center of the chaos, untouched and rolling perilously close to a storm drain — a potential disaster that experts warn could reignite the feud.
“It’s only a matter of time before the squirrels get involved,” Greene added, eyeing a gang of bushy-tailed onlookers gathering on a nearby power line. “And when that happens, all bets are off.”