WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – The national media was reportedly plunged into a full-scale constitutional fainting spell this week after President Trump acknowledged that Christianity had something to do with America’s founding, prompting anchors to clutch their pearls, historians to hide the footnotes, and one panelist to ask whether the Mayflower Compact could be safely renamed “The Early Colonial Community Guidelines.”
The controversy began when Trump stated that Christianity played a central role in America’s founding, a remark historians later confirmed was “easily discoverable by reading almost anything written by the founders, early Congress, colonial charters, state constitutions, presidential proclamations, or the words carved into public buildings.”
“This is extremely dangerous,” said one visibly trembling network analyst. “If people start reading primary sources, they may discover things we have spent decades carefully not mentioning.”
Within minutes of Trump’s comments, fact-checkers rushed into action, issuing a ruling of “Mostly Problematic” because while many founders did reference God, Providence, Scripture, Christianity, public prayer, biblical morality, and divine judgment, they did not specifically use the modern phrase “please approve this for cable television.”
One major newspaper published an emergency editorial titled, “America Was Founded By Completely Secular Men Who Just Happened To Quote The Bible, Pray Publicly, Call National Days Of Fasting, And Build A Civilization Around Christian Moral Assumptions.”
Experts say the media’s distress intensified when someone accidentally found a dusty copy of the Mayflower Compact, causing three producers to faint and one intern to whisper, “Wait… they said ‘for the glory of God’?”
“That document has been taken out of context,” explained a professor of Advanced Historical Squinting. “When they said they came for the glory of God and advancement of the Christian faith, what they clearly meant was a vague commitment to inclusive paperwork.”
Meanwhile, anchors warned viewers that acknowledging Christianity’s influence on America could lead to a slippery slope where citizens begin noticing crosses in old cemeteries, Bible references in early schoolbooks, and the fact that Congress still opens with prayer.
At press time, several outlets had updated their style guides to clarify that America’s founding was influenced by “faith-adjacent civic spirituality with problematic hymn potential,” and that any mention of Christianity must be immediately followed by at least six disclaimers, two lawsuits, and a panel discussion titled “Is History A Threat To Democracy?”
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