WASHINGTON <(Worthy Satire) – In a ceremony that instantly became the strangest constitutional moment involving poultry, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he had “formally re-pardoned” all turkeys spared during the Biden years, arguing their original clemency may be invalid because it was issued via autopen.
“Turkeys deserve real signatures,” Trump said, holding up a Sharpie as if it were the nuclear codes. “Not robot pens. Not Sleepy pens. Not pens that sign while the president is napping. These birds were living under illegitimate pardons. Not anymore.”
According to aides, the White House Counsel’s Office was pressured into a crash review of Biden-era Thanksgiving paperwork after Trump joked on Truth Social that “every turkey pardoned between 2021–2024 may technically be at-large fugitives.”
The Justice Department’s Poultry Division (which still does not officially exist) reportedly advised that while turkeys cannot commit crimes, their pardons can be unconstitutional “if the president wasn’t awake during the process.”
‘Chuck and Nancy’ Nearly Made a Comeback
During the ceremony, Trump also revealed he “strongly considered” naming this year’s turkeys “Chuck and Nancy,” in honor of former Democratic leaders Schumer and Pelosi.
“But I decided to be classy,” Trump said. “Unlike them. And unlike the autopen. Total disgrace. The turkeys deserve better.”
One attendee reported that the birds looked “visibly uncomfortable,” though it was unclear whether that was due to Trump’s speech or the marching band playing “Hail to the Chief” at full volume six feet away.
Trump Hints at a Full ‘Poultry Audit’
In what may become the first-ever forensic review of presidential poultry decisions, Trump floated the idea of a “full audit of all past turkey pardons” to ensure no bird is “running around the country on a fake pardon.”
Legal scholars immediately noted that this would require exhumations, interstate coordination, and possibly divine intervention.
Still, Trump insisted: “We’re not saying the past turkeys are guilty — just that they need stronger pardons. Beautiful pardons. Pardons you can trust.”
Pardoned Birds React
Reached for comment at a Virginia animal sanctuary, two former Biden turkeys declined to speak, reportedly on the advice of their attorneys.
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