(Worthy Satire) – A new study has revealed that people who drink beer are far more likely to attract mosquitoes, though some theologians insist this isn’t biology at work—it’s theology.
“God built illustrations into creation,” explained Rev. Daniel Hughes. “When you crack a beer and suddenly a swarm of bloodsuckers descends on you, that’s not just insects—it’s a sermon.”
According to the study, mosquitoes flocked disproportionately to festival-goers sipping lagers, IPAs, and stouts. One researcher described the scene as “a floating happy hour for insects.”
But pastors nationwide have seized on the results, saying it’s divine object lesson: “Sin looks fun at first, but give it a minute and the leeches come out.”
Even skeptics admitted the findings were uncanny. “We don’t know why beer makes people more attractive to mosquitoes,” one scientist said. “Though if God’s trying to tell us alcohol draws parasites, the metaphor is pretty on point.”
Meanwhile, beer drinkers insisted they’d keep their pints despite the blood donations. “It’s a fair trade,” said one man. “They get my blood, I get the courage to sing karaoke.”
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