(Worthy Satire) – In a rare Labor Day weekend twist, Politico was forced to confirm Monday that former President Donald Trump is, in fact, not dead.
The confirmation came after a flurry of social media rumors suggested that Trump’s silence over the holiday meant he had “passed on.” Political analysts noted that such rumors typically surface whenever Trump goes more than six hours without posting on Truth Social.
“Let me be very clear: I am alive, the most alive, probably more alive than anyone has ever been,” Trump declared in a phone interview, adding, “Joe Biden has been walking around like a zombie for years, but they never say anything about that.”
Critics mocked Politico for running what they called the “single most unnecessary fact check in history.” But the outlet defended the move. “The American people deserve clarity on which political leaders are dead, undead, or merely sleepwalking,” an editor explained.
As for Trump, he promised his supporters: “We’re not just surviving–we’re thriving. And frankly, I plan to keep not being dead for another 100 years, maybe longer. Nobody’s ever done not-deadness like me.”
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