WASHINGTON, D.C. (Worthy Satire) – The Democratic National Committee is facing heavy backlash after a convention speaker dismissed concerns over migrant-related crime, claiming that carjackings and similar incidents “don’t really matter to most Americans.”
In a follow-up statement, the DNC clarified that it was not downplaying crime, but rather “rebranding” it. Carjackings, they argued, are simply “a new and innovative form of public transportation.”
“Think about it,” said one strategist. “Why wait 20 minutes for an Uber when a migrant entrepreneur with a Glock can provide on-demand service right outside your driveway? It’s the gig economy of the future.”
The proposal has been tentatively dubbed “GrabCab” — a ride-sharing service where the rides are free, the adrenaline is priceless, and the insurance premiums cover the carbon footprint.
Critics blasted the concept, warning that redefining crime as “community ridesharing” was just another attempt to normalize lawlessness. Supporters, however, hailed it as a bold step toward “transportation equity” and called on the Biden-Harris administration to subsidize helmets and bulletproof vests under Medicare.
A spokesperson for the DNC promised further innovation: “Next week, we’ll explain how looting is really just Target’s way of offering coupons without the paper waste.”
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