(Worthy Satire) – Walmart customers got more than they bargained for this week when a food safety alert revealed that the retailer’s shrimp supply may, in fact, be glowing stronger than a Vegas neon sign. Officials warned the public to avoid consumption, though kids everywhere immediately began Googling, “What if radioactive shrimp gives me Spider-Man powers?”
Nothing like non-kosher seafood to start mutating the next generation. Parents in middle America are already fielding tough dinner-table questions: “Mom, if I eat shrimp, will I be Shrimp-Man? Or is it Shrimp-Boy?” While rabbis shook their heads with an I-told-you-so sigh, Marvel executives are reportedly watching closely to see if the next billion-dollar franchise is being born in aisle seven.
Meanwhile, Walmart has entered panic mode. Store managers are rushing to cover tanks of shrimp with opaque tarps, while employees have been instructed to smile reassuringly as customers ask why the seafood section now resembles Chernobyl’s basement. One anonymous worker confessed, “We’ve been told to say it’s a limited-time glow-in-the-dark feature–great for midnight snacking.”
Corporate spin has not helped. Walmart’s press office released a statement insisting that the shrimp “pose no threat” unless eaten in “quantities larger than six pounds.” Unfortunately, this did little to calm fears–especially after reports surfaced of a family cat suddenly learning to operate the remote control after sneaking a bite.
At the end of the day, whether this scandal produces a wave of lawsuits, a new Marvel hero, or just more late-night comedy, one thing is clear: radioactive shrimp may finally be the most exciting product Walmart has ever carried.
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